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The Three Needs That People Have In A Conflict
by: Tristan Loo
There are many human needs that people have, but in the context of an interpersonal conflict setting, three obvious ones come to mind. As simple as they are, these three needs are often the cause of unnecessary conflict or the escalation of a small dispute because one of the two parties does not realize that they are not meeting the others needs.

To Be Heard & Acknowledged Without Evaluation

During interpersonal communication, the other person has a need for you to listen to their ideas and to acknowledge them. The need to be heard also goes with the need to express one’s inner feelings without the fear of evaluation, judgment, or reprisal for making it known.

To Have Options & To Practice Independence

Autonomy is a basic human need. We hate to be forced to do anything without a say or choice in the matter and many of us will resist or defy just based on not having a say in the matter. Parents are the best experts on this need. When we tell our child to go to bed or to brush their teeth, or to eat their vegetables, or take their medicine, what is the one is the #1 response? “No” It’s not so much that they don’t disagree with the decision, but merely that they want to exert their own independence and free-will into the process. As adults, we are no different, we’ve just found more creative ways to articulate “No.”

To Have Answers, Explanations, & Reasons

Realize that everyone has a curious nature. It is programmed in us. Once our interest is sparked by something, we usually can’t leave it alone until we get a satisfactory answer on it. Therefore if we shut someone down with a position that offers no explanation or reason, then this will create resistance and resentment. Bureaucrats and authority figures often get into the bad habit of telling people that nothing can be done because “its policy” or “its the law.” This shuts them down without offering an explanation to them that satisfies their need. Their only recourse then is to take it out onto the person by making them the villain.



This article is free for republishing
Tristan J. Loo is the founder of Alternative Conflict Resolution services based in San Diego county, California. Loo is a former police officer and author of Street Negotiation--How To Resolve Any Conflict Anytime. As a certified mediator and conflict management expert, Loo pursues his mission to empower the community to take back their conflict and handle it themselves peacefully through mediation and training. He travels internationally giving his award winning workshop, "Winning Without Fighting."

Contact Loo at tristan@acrsonline.com

 


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 Putting Romance Back Into Your Marriage
 by: Mark McAuley

Let me start by saying I am not a psycholigist or therapist, I am just a guy, who was married for 16 years, until that ended about a year and a half ago. I am now in a new and exciting relationship, which I believe will work out great. I am forty years old and just speaking from experience. Hopefully these tips I give you will spice up your love life again.

Often times in a marriage or long-term relationship, couples tend to fall into a routine. What maybe started out as a very romantic relationship, begins to slow down as bills, children, work and all the pressures of life conspire to give us stress and lead us away from what is really important.

I would venture to guess that most divorces stem from this problem. You see each other As a business partner, parenting partner, chore partner. But not so much as a lover. You have to drive the kids here and there, while your partner is getting the groceries. There is always something to do,and it usually does not include being alone with your partner.

Every once in a while you remember what it was like in the beginning, and think why can’t it be like that again. By the way, both sexes think this, the problem is they only think it, and usually don’t talk about it.

When the kids are small, I know it isn’t as easy to make time for each other, but the most important thing you can do for your marriage is to MAKE time. If that means getting grandma and grandpa to watch the kids overnight, or splurging on a babysitter once a week, it would be the best investment you could make in your marriage.

If you could get away with your partner for a date night once a week, you won’t regret it. Whether going out for dinner, or a movie, or a long walk together, it will bring the two of you closer together. Plus, getting away from the kids is a great stress reliever.

Then when you get back home, still with no kids around, a great way to spice things up in the bedroom, is with lingerie. It may sound cliché, but it really works. Think about it ladies, your partner sees you all week as a mom, housekeeper, breadwinner. The last thing he is thinking of you as, is a bedroom goddess. Believe me, if you come home after a nice night out, and you go upstairs and put on a beautiful piece of lingerie, a nice teddy, or corset, body stocking, or bustier, you’re partner will definitely be put into the mood.

It will make him see you as he used to see you. More than a mom, etc. After all, isn’t that what you want?

But, don’t stop there. A great way to spice things up is to try things you never tried before. That could be something as simple as bringing some food into the mix, you know strawberries, whip cream, things like that. Then, there is always the massage, everybody loves a massage with warm oil. Just the fact you are doing things differently will really help spice things up. We all know that we fall into a routine in the bedroom after a while. The only cure for that is to change things around.

So, hopefully this will help you to get back on the right track. Good luck. Visit my website at: http://www.purplemoose.us/lingerie.html


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