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Infidelity: How “My Marriage Made Me Do It” is a Cop-out
by: Dr. Robert Huizenga

Ask someone why they had, or are having an affair and you may hear
something like this: “I have a lousy marriage. My marriage is dead. There
is no intimacy, no sex, and no excitement. The love is gone. We’ve grown
apart. I can’t stand the marriage. There was nothing happening in the
marriage and the affair just happened.”


These statements are rationalizations and fail to “get at” the underlying issues.


Key points:


1. It’s as if a marriage is an animal gone bad. A marriage does not
have a life of it’s own. In reality, there is no such thing as a “marriage.”
One is “married” as a result of making some promises and signing a
paper at one point. After the paper is signed, two people continue
communicating and acting toward one another in particular ways that they
hope will help them get what they individually want. Just as there is no
“marriage,” there is no such thing as a “relationship.” There are, however,
ways of relating for which each person is responsible. Remember the
comedian Flip Wilson (that dates me) and his “The devil made me
do it” skit?


2. We idealize “marriage” or “romantic relationships” with the
expectation we will get what we want, without much effort to boot. The
movies, popular public press and romance novels/stories don’t help much
here. A “marriage” is behind the eight ball from the word go. “IT” can’t win.


3. From day one most of us don’t have a clue about how to get, build,
nurture and maintain healthy and intimate ways of relating. We need
‘love 101’ and it’s not there. We rely upon experimentation or bad models.


4. If the “marriage” is dead, why in the world would one choose to
have an affair? Talk about jumping from the frying pan into the fire.
It really is stupid. You add a whole layer of deceit and shame that eventually
will result in consequences more dire than approaching your spouse and
saying, “I’m really unhappy. What I’m doing with you obviously is not working.
I want out.” Oh well, maybe some people need more problems and suffering.


5. If the “marriage” is bad, obviously, I don’t have to look at me.
I can blame “it” or the other. Some of us find it difficult to look at me. Some of us don’t know how to look at me. Some of us never think of looking at me.


Tip: If your partner/spouse is having and affair and blames it on the “marriage,” don’t buy into it. The “marriage” is not the problem. You are
not the problem. Your spouse/partner chose the affair out of ignorance,
fear or inadequacy.


The “My Marriage Made Me Do It” is just one of 7 affairs outlined in my E-book, “Break Free From the Affair.” For more information on the issues behind the other kinds of affairs and tips for dealing with them, visit my site.



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Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
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 Putting Romance Back Into Your Marriage
 by: Mark McAuley

Let me start by saying I am not a psycholigist or therapist, I am just a guy, who was married for 16 years, until that ended about a year and a half ago. I am now in a new and exciting relationship, which I believe will work out great. I am forty years old and just speaking from experience. Hopefully these tips I give you will spice up your love life again.

Often times in a marriage or long-term relationship, couples tend to fall into a routine. What maybe started out as a very romantic relationship, begins to slow down as bills, children, work and all the pressures of life conspire to give us stress and lead us away from what is really important.

I would venture to guess that most divorces stem from this problem. You see each other As a business partner, parenting partner, chore partner. But not so much as a lover. You have to drive the kids here and there, while your partner is getting the groceries. There is always something to do,and it usually does not include being alone with your partner.

Every once in a while you remember what it was like in the beginning, and think why can’t it be like that again. By the way, both sexes think this, the problem is they only think it, and usually don’t talk about it.

When the kids are small, I know it isn’t as easy to make time for each other, but the most important thing you can do for your marriage is to MAKE time. If that means getting grandma and grandpa to watch the kids overnight, or splurging on a babysitter once a week, it would be the best investment you could make in your marriage.

If you could get away with your partner for a date night once a week, you won’t regret it. Whether going out for dinner, or a movie, or a long walk together, it will bring the two of you closer together. Plus, getting away from the kids is a great stress reliever.

Then when you get back home, still with no kids around, a great way to spice things up in the bedroom, is with lingerie. It may sound cliché, but it really works. Think about it ladies, your partner sees you all week as a mom, housekeeper, breadwinner. The last thing he is thinking of you as, is a bedroom goddess. Believe me, if you come home after a nice night out, and you go upstairs and put on a beautiful piece of lingerie, a nice teddy, or corset, body stocking, or bustier, you’re partner will definitely be put into the mood.

It will make him see you as he used to see you. More than a mom, etc. After all, isn’t that what you want?

But, don’t stop there. A great way to spice things up is to try things you never tried before. That could be something as simple as bringing some food into the mix, you know strawberries, whip cream, things like that. Then, there is always the massage, everybody loves a massage with warm oil. Just the fact you are doing things differently will really help spice things up. We all know that we fall into a routine in the bedroom after a while. The only cure for that is to change things around.

So, hopefully this will help you to get back on the right track. Good luck. Visit my website at: http://www.purplemoose.us/lingerie.html


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