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Ghost Mothers
by: Paula Krapf
So many women talk about their relationships with their mothers—no matter how old they are. For some, their mother, from whom they have supposedly separated long ago, still occupies a central place in the psyche. She’s too close, she’s too much. She has advice, is nosy, and interferes. The daughter wants time away, she wants boundaries, and fights for her separation from her mother.

For others, the mother still occupies the psyche, but with a wrenching kind of longing—a mother that is biological and even sometimes present, but also a mother who is so self-involved as to be emotionally absent, or literally out of the picture. This kind of mother takes up space and energy as a nagging, missing piece, a ghost. Her image hovers, her memory, or perhaps a dream of how it could have been, should have been, but never is.

Which kind of mother do you have?

My mother was a dream. I realize now, 10 years after her death, that I was always trying to get the dream to come true—to have her be warm and huggy, to have her want to know me, to visit me in my house, to know my children. To know me. It never happened. It left a yearning that I played out with men, it left a hole that I tried to fill in many ways.

When I was little, she left me when I was four years old, and once a year appeared in the landscape of my life—I lived with her mother—only to disappear too soon and in a flurry of anger at her own mother, without seeming to notice how hard it was for me.

So many people—men and women—struggle with this kind of emptiness, the burn of anger in the pit of the stomach, the unanswered questions that can’t be asked—why are you like this?

Mothers who are neglectful, selfish, and abandoning do not set out to do these things, they are a result of her own problems, her own pain, and maybe even mental illness. It is hard for us as her child to see this fully, or to forgive it.

How to help to heal the Ghost Mother wound:

1. Learn about your mother’s life—how she became the way she is—though talking with relatives, if she won’t talk to you directly, or by sitting down and hashing through history shown in photos and family albums.

2. Find adoptive mothers who will nurture you, and friends who understand your story.

3. Learn to mother yourself—though therapy, through having children of your own. They will teach you.

4. Write your story. Tell your story. Having witnesses to your story is a part of healing. Seeing compassion in the eyes of others shows you that you are worthy of it, and deserve it.

5. Learn to forgive. Work on it. Work on being yourself and having a life you like and enjoy.

6. Learn to surround yourself with who you like, people who love and like you, and beauty that makes you feel part of the web of life.

Linda Joy Myers, Ph. D., prize winning author of Becoming Whole: Writing Your Healing Story, is a Marriage and Family therapist and teaches memoir-as-healing workshops in the San Francisco Bay Area and nationally. Linda’s work has been praised by reviewers, healers, and radio and television interviewers.
You can visit her web site at: http://www.lindajoymyers.com


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 Putting Romance Back Into Your Marriage
 by: Mark McAuley

Let me start by saying I am not a psycholigist or therapist, I am just a guy, who was married for 16 years, until that ended about a year and a half ago. I am now in a new and exciting relationship, which I believe will work out great. I am forty years old and just speaking from experience. Hopefully these tips I give you will spice up your love life again.

Often times in a marriage or long-term relationship, couples tend to fall into a routine. What maybe started out as a very romantic relationship, begins to slow down as bills, children, work and all the pressures of life conspire to give us stress and lead us away from what is really important.

I would venture to guess that most divorces stem from this problem. You see each other As a business partner, parenting partner, chore partner. But not so much as a lover. You have to drive the kids here and there, while your partner is getting the groceries. There is always something to do,and it usually does not include being alone with your partner.

Every once in a while you remember what it was like in the beginning, and think why can’t it be like that again. By the way, both sexes think this, the problem is they only think it, and usually don’t talk about it.

When the kids are small, I know it isn’t as easy to make time for each other, but the most important thing you can do for your marriage is to MAKE time. If that means getting grandma and grandpa to watch the kids overnight, or splurging on a babysitter once a week, it would be the best investment you could make in your marriage.

If you could get away with your partner for a date night once a week, you won’t regret it. Whether going out for dinner, or a movie, or a long walk together, it will bring the two of you closer together. Plus, getting away from the kids is a great stress reliever.

Then when you get back home, still with no kids around, a great way to spice things up in the bedroom, is with lingerie. It may sound cliché, but it really works. Think about it ladies, your partner sees you all week as a mom, housekeeper, breadwinner. The last thing he is thinking of you as, is a bedroom goddess. Believe me, if you come home after a nice night out, and you go upstairs and put on a beautiful piece of lingerie, a nice teddy, or corset, body stocking, or bustier, you’re partner will definitely be put into the mood.

It will make him see you as he used to see you. More than a mom, etc. After all, isn’t that what you want?

But, don’t stop there. A great way to spice things up is to try things you never tried before. That could be something as simple as bringing some food into the mix, you know strawberries, whip cream, things like that. Then, there is always the massage, everybody loves a massage with warm oil. Just the fact you are doing things differently will really help spice things up. We all know that we fall into a routine in the bedroom after a while. The only cure for that is to change things around.

So, hopefully this will help you to get back on the right track. Good luck. Visit my website at: http://www.purplemoose.us/lingerie.html


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