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Field Notes on Country Linguistics

by: Nola Kelsey

As Suzy stammered, my ears perked up. For distraction I called out, �Hey Kathy, put on another pot of coffee.� Suzy spoke again. The fact is, gouging my own eyes out with a ketchup bottle would not have distracted me. A linguistic calamity was eminent.

The hair on the back of my neck stood up, then it ran from the room. I knew where Suzy was headed. Her speech was like watching a car accident. It all moved in slow motion. Every instinct in me said tear the phone from her hand before it's too late. But she had to learn to properly communicate with customers. Please Lord, I begged, don't let her say it. Then it happened. Suzy uttered the words, �We'll mam, I ain't fer sures on that.�

Across America, English professors collectively wept. My mind locked. How could she have said it again? She had been with our company four months. Still, there was hope. Okay, Lord, you're pretty funny, I sneered. Seriously, could her next words please be, �If you would not mind holding for one moment, I will find out the answer for you.� Ha! No such luck.

The gods hate me. After an awkward silence (while the caller and I shared an embolism), Suzy proceeded to take the customer�s order. Neither of them was any wiser for the experience. I stepped outside to meditate. Would I have to fire her? I was not fer sures on that?

You hear many endearing phrases in the county. I find, �a doins� quite charming. Such as there's a doins at Bubba's tonight. Translated this means, festivities will take place at Bubba�s residence this evening.

�Pert near� is fun. Linguists translate this colorful twist on grammar as meaning, �almost� not nearby. As in, pert near everybody ceptin that cidiot been told bout the rodeo. Meaning, almost everyone, except the new city idiot, was informed of the upcoming rodeo event.

Unfortunately, telling a high maintenance Dressage Equestrian (they are all high-maintenance), �Ya aint's fer sures on that,� translates as, �Hello, we are illiterate, so buy our product.� Following this with no offer to expand your knowledge and assist the customers says, �We may be illiterate, but that's ok. We also suck. Thank you and have a nice day.�

Tourists passing through this area have improperly translated another phrase. �What chya doin?� is often misinterpreted as the rhetorical �What's up?� or �What's happening?� Sadly, that is not its meaning. �What chya doin?� literally translates as, �What are you doing?" Confusion on this matter is based on timing.

�What chya doing?� is often asked when your activity could not be more blatantly obvious. For example: You're spreading cheese over flat dough topped with tomato sauce. Mountains of pepperoni are poised nearby. A stranger asks, �What chya doin?" Heads up: They literally have not connected the dots. Do not wisecrack, �Installing solar panels." Before you know it, you'll be explaining how green peppers affect your hot water supply.

Here in South Dakota low wages have brought in large numbers of Customer Service call centers. Airlines, finance companies, catalog sales, these types of companies coagulate around Rapid City. Lately there has been a lot of concern over competition from India. Apparently the population of India is highly educated and enunciates in a manner more understandable than that of South Dakotans. Americans, not having Hindi as the mother tongue, stand little chance. Still, there is a certain irony in residents of the Black Hills losing something to Indians. How many groups will that statement offend? I ain't fer sures on that.

This article is free for republishing

Zoologist turned satirist Nola L. Kelsey is the author of Bitch Unleashed: The Harsh Realities of Goin� Country and coauthor/�primary scribe� for the political, self-help, satire Keeping the Masses Down. She is also an established ghostwriter, as well as, a freelance copywriter for a mixed brew of animal health companies.

Her photographic works appear in the Herpetocultural Library Series by Advanced Vivarium Systems, Cheval International�s marketing campaigns and have appeared in Vivarium Magazine.

Currently, Kelsey in the process of relocating to SE Asia. Here she is continuing on as a freelance journalist and writer while working on book number four. Her newsletter, Wanderlust Ink, is tracking this escape from South Dakota normality to her life as a shoestring backpacker. More about Kelsey�s writings, midlife crisis and subscriptions to Wanderlust Ink are available on her website, http://www.nolakelsey.com

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Effective Resume Writing
by: Dave Lympany

A lot of places around the world call it A Curriculum Vitae, in North America, it's a R�sum�. This is definitely one of the most important tools that any jobseeker has at their disposal. You may be THE best candidate for a particular job by a long way, however, if you don't make it to the interview stages the company will never know.

Many companies (especially the larger corporations) will use computer software to "read" all the r�sum�s and reject any that don't fit a particular template. This may seem unfair, but it's cost effective.

So, for some jobs you have to beat the computer and still read well enough for someone who may not have any knowledge of the position you are applying for. It is definitely worthwhile to adapt your resume for the position that is advertised. There may well be some of the "buzz" words the "filter" is looking for mentioned in the job description.

It is very important that you can substantiate all the claims you make, preferably with physical examples or letters. This will be essential in any in interview situation.

There is now a wealth of information available online, from books, local employment offices and with professional writing agencies. You can also access other people�s r�sum�s that are posted online which will give some great ideas for style and content.

Professional writers may seem the answer, but, all the research I have done seems to lean away from them. I have never used one and feel that it will give a good impression if you have written it yourself (this will display literacy). Apparently, if they are professionally written, they are easy to spot; however, they may be worth the expense if you are stuck. You can always "customise" what has been written to make it your own work.

In my case, I had been in the military since I left school and had never written a resume or had an interview. I spent a lot of time writing, copying other people�s styles and changing things. I didn't realise how difficult it is to catch up on 16 years - I'll never allow mine to go out of date again! I found the hardest part was to actually start writing. The best advice I was given was to just write anything that you can think of and it will soon start to flow. With modern word processors it's relatively quick and easy to cut and paste so you can keep on changing it until you are happy. More detailed information can be found at http://www.onestopimmigration-canada.com/resume.html

Good Luck!!!!!

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