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Things To Think About Regarding Dating After Divorce

by: Karl Augustine

Article Description:
====================
Dating after divorce is a much debated topic due to the
psychological and emotional impact it can have on people.
Dating after divorce can be complex...

Dating After Divorce: Things To Think About Regarding Dating After Divorce Copyright � 2005 Karl Augustine A Practical Guide To Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A Divorce http://www.deciding-on-divorce.com/

Dating after divorce is a much debated topic due to the
psychological and emotional impact it can have on people. Dating
after divorce can be complex, too often divorcees don't consider
the ramifications of dating after divorce before they jump into
it with both feet!

If you're going to start dating again after you've gotten a
divorce, there's quite few things that you should consider
beforehand...here's a partial list you might want to think
about:

Dating after divorce consideration 1: Make sure that you are
aware of your own level of self-confidence.

If are considering dating after divorce, be certain that you are
either confident in yourself as a person or are at least aware of
your level of self-confidence so you can plan accordingly. Self- confidence will help you to remain lucid when you're dating after
divorce. Choosing who to date and why you want to date them can
be a major turning point in your emotional health after a
divorce. If you're self-confident, chances are good that you'll
be able to handle being rejected or ignored if you're just
beginning a relationship.

If you're truly self-confident, you'll be able to have the right
mind set before you begin dating after divorce and any potential
let down will be foreseen by you and "non-damaging" to your
emotional state. Self confidence is perhaps the most important
thing to think about from an emotional health perspective
regarding dating after divorce.

Dating after divorce consideration 2: How quickly should you date
after getting a divorce?

Fortunately, this is really only a question that you can answer,
assuming your divorce is truly over with and you don't have a
custody battle that's ongoing, a dispute about assets or
finances, or any other type of lingering agreement that needs to
be reached that could be impaired by dating. If you have
children, this is a question of their strength and the strength
of your relationship with them.

If you don't have children, this decision is entirely up to you
regarding how you'll approach dating after divorce. Ask yourself
how ready you really are to date again...depending on what you
want out of dating after divorce, i.e., what the end result is to
any solid dating relationship, will drive how quickly you date
again. If you're simply lonely and think you need to date again
just for the sake of dating or to test how you'll respond to
dating, you may want to do a serious self evaluation regarding
your confidence level. You will know when you're ready again to
begin dating after divorce - everyone's different. Know yourself
first, then make the decision.

Dating after divorce consideration 3: Should I date while going
through a divorce?

Most coaches, attorneys, and counselors will tell you that dating
while going through a divorce is never a good thing to do from a
psychological perspective and a legal perspective. While this
article isn't a form of legal advice, common sense tells you that
if you're in any type of battle regarding marital assets or
custody, avoid any dating.

>From an emotional health perspective, dating while going through
a divorce can be damaging to you and your "soon to be" ex-spouse.
You'll be much more mature after the divorce if you self evaluate
to figure out how you contributed to the events that lead to your
divorce. Handling yourself in a caring and sturdy emotional
manner during a divorce can be an extremely difficult thing to
do...but, it is a terrific growing and learning process. Make use
of it! Grow as a person and learn about yourself, and you'll be
far better off after the divorce is final.

Dating after divorce consideration 4: Consider that you may have
a tendency to date someone completely opposite from your spouse
and realize that this isn't healthy.

Dating after divorce is tricky! Be smart, realize that the pain
you may have felt at the hands of your spouse can naturally lead
you to want to date someone who is an opposite of your ex. It is
a reasonable and natural reaction because you might want to avoid
having any pain whatsoever or you may not want to deal with
anyone who might remind you of your ex-spouse.

If you find yourself looking for someone who is your ex's
opposite when dating after divorce, take a deep breath and ask
yourself if this tactic is truly healthy for you. If you answer
'yes', then you're saying that there was nothing good about your
spouse and that you're a poor decision maker or else you would
have never gotten married to your ex in the first place!

Instead, think of the things you'd like to see in someone that
would make you want to date them and look at the person in and of
themselves only. If you see something in them that reminds you of
your ex-spouse, decide whether that something is a good trait or
an undesirable trait. Only then can you decide about that person
in positive fashion. Your spouse has or had some good traits,
define what they are and don't be afraid to see those traits in
someone that you are dating after divorce.

Dating after divorce consideration 5: Do what you need to in
order to have a positive outlook on your future after your
divorce.

When thinking about dating after divorce, and all the possible
fires that can go with it, keep in mind that you need to feel
good about yourself to be lucid. A positive outlook on life is
key to everything else, and all the future decisions that you
will make after your divorce. Go and do fun things with friends
and get out! You should certainly keep your guard up but don't be
overly critical of everything or you may get so paralyzed be your
analysis that you never actually "get in the game." Your frame of
mind on any relationship - friend or not - after divorce is key
factor to your happiness. Keeping a clear head and heart is a
healthy thing. If you keep these considerations in mind, you'll
have a much better time when dating after divorce.

"A Practical Guide To Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A Divorce" A system recommended by professional marriage counselors. http://www.deciding-on-divorce.com

Contact him at http://www.deciding-on-divorce.com

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7 Myths About Creating A Better Relationship
by: Cecil McIntosh

In my private practice for over 14 years no matter what my clients have come to see me about, there has always been an issue about a better relationship.

Here are 7 of the most common misconceptions my clients have related to me about having a better relationship. These misconceptions are followed by my perspective on each one of them.

Myth 1 I have to love everything about my partner

Reality Check 1

You were born pure and pristine. You then learnt behaviors from your parents, teacher, coaches, church etc. (who did their best to teach you about a better relationship). These behaviors have become the backbone for your way of living and having a better relationship.

Perhaps a common behavior that irritates having a better relationship would be leaving the toilet seat up after use. This is merely a behavior and not the essence of the person. However, when you may consider this behavior to be the person, this destroys the concept of a better relationship, creating all kinds of conflict in your need for a better relationship.

Myth 2 Love means that I can fix your partner

Reality Check 2

You met your partner because of some special quality or charteristic that you admired. You need to accept and allow that quality to flourish in order to allow you and your partner to grow into a better relationship.

You may be unaware that you do not even like yourself. Yet by allowing your partner to grow and expand, you will experience the quality of your partner and the beauty within you, as you begin to enjoy a better relationship.

Myth 3

I am supposed to give up the things I like in order to be in a better relationship.

Reality Check 3

Giving up the things you like to be in a better relationship is like take a knife and cutting away a part of yourself.

Your better relationship is based on the uniqueness of you and your partner.

When you give up your uniqueness you rob yourself of a better relationship, your passion and your partner of your creativity.

Myth 4 I will be rescued by a knight in shining armour

Reality Check 4

You may have been conditioned to live your life expecting someone to take care of you. What happens if that person becomes ill? and is no longer able to take care of you.

Your responsibility in creating a better relationship, is to bring your passion to the table of your relationship. Some days you will be the knight in shining armour and another day your partner will be the knight in shining armour of a better relationship.

You will each get a chance to shine like star in a better relationship because of your strengths and weaknesses.

Myth 5 It cost a lot to be in a relationship

Reality Check 5

In a material context, a better relationship can be expensive if you think that love is based on the bigger house, car or boat. Although some of these material assets are necessary, they should not be at the expense of creating a better relationship.

Love is creating a better relationship by building a relationship that is based on the simple things in life, like walking and holding hands, going on a picnic (just the two of you), or sharing an ice cream.

Love in a better relationship is not about what you show on the outside but what you express in you heart. Love is not about money or materialism, love just is.

Myth 6 Love in a relationship is or is not a feeling

Reality Check 6

It is not what you say, it is what you do. You can say, "I love you" which may be merely words and no feelings (action). Love is the action of doing.

If you make a cup of tea for yourself, (the water is boiled), make a cup of tea for your partner. Whether your partner wants the tea or not is irrelevant, it is the thought that counts and the action that cements a better relationship.

Myth 7 I don't have to work at my relationship

Reality Check 7

As a child, you learned to creep before you walked. Then you learned the letters of the alphabet. In order to write, you had to learn how to put those letters together to make words and sentences.

These sentences then become the way in which you communicated.

When you and your partner stop communicating after learning how to use the letters of the alphabet in sentences, it's like 2 tape recorders talking to each other - Nobody is at home to enjoy a better relationship.

In summary:

1. Your partner's behavior in a better relationship is not your partner's true essence.

2. There is no need to have a clone of yourself. A better relationship requires some variety.

3. Giving up of your uniqueness to be in a better relationship is like throwing out the baby with the bath water.

4. In a better relationship there are no superior partners, just equal partners.

5. Love in creating a better relationship is not about money and the material assets (although there are important) but the simple things in life.

6. Love in a better relationship is active not passive.

7. Lack of communication crushes your desire for a better relationship.

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