"Honesty: The Key to a Good Relationship?
by Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach
A coaching client recently told me, "I'm convinced if two people are totally honest, they can be married." As a dating coach for midlifers, I hear from a lot of folks who are dating. I also stay current with the dating scene on the Internet, and read the profiles people write. Men often say that "honesty" is crucial for a relationship, while women rarely do. Let's take a look at this.
First I'm going to speculate as to why men say this and
women don't, and then I want to talk about the place of
honesty in a relationship.
As we know from research, and such books as "If Men Could
Talk: Unlocking the Secret Language of Men," (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0316178683/susandunnmome-20
), by Alon Gratch, Ph.D., men, as a rule, have more trouble verbalizing emotions, something most of us would also agree is crucial to an intimate relationship. Not that we need to talk about emotions all the time, but that it's necessary to know what you feel and to be able to communicate it when necessary. It becomes particularly important when the relationship meets an impasse. You need to what the problem
really is. Are you picking on her about her outfit because
you haven't had sex in 4 days? Are you accusing him of ignoring you all the time, when really he does a fair job most of the time, but tonight you're hungry and tired?
According to Emotional Intelligence research, men and women test the same overall, but men, on average, are not as empathic as women (Reuven BarOn). Simon-Baron, Cambridge professor of psychology and psychiatry agrees. His thesis in "The Essential Difference: The Truth About the Male and Female Brain," (a http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0738208442/susandunnmome-20
) is: "The female brain is predominantly hard-wired for empathy. The male brain is predominantly hard-wired for understanding and building systems."
Of course the "average" man, statistically speaking, is not necessarily the individual sitting in front of you. But where there's smoke there's fire.
So why the male emphasis on "honesty"? And are they
referring to honesty about thoughts, feelings, facts, or
what? If what we're being honest about is "the truth," how
we feel is indisputable, and many facts are, but the truth
of any given situation is relative, most of us would agree,
or our relationships would not become the imbroglios they do
"Mr. and Mrs. Smith does a great job or portraying marriage, and beings with him saying they've been married 5 years, and her saying "6". If there's an absolute truth ("reality"), it's of little use in human relations.
Men engage more in what's called "selective remembering."
He remembers the games he won, not the games he lost. He remembers when to change the oil in the car, but not his girl-friend's birthday. Selective listening may be part of it. He hears that the prime rate has gone down, but not that you'd like more time with him. I couldn't help wonder if this client would hear "honesty" if it were given.
"Honesty", I think, is a systems-word. Women, in their profiles, are more likely to focus on behaviors. "No
philanderers," they say, and "no addicts." You see the
difference . if he's unfaithful and honest about it ,
they're still not interested. Doh.
Women use language to connect, and are more hard-wired for emotion. They enjoy experiencing it and talking about it, while men consider emotions a call to discharge by action. They are not as likely to use a verbal strategy to deal with a feeling.
Women have a larger corpus callosum, so it's easier for us
to talk about emotions. TALKING about a FEELING is multi-tasking, and one of the hardest things we ask our brains to do.
Women also say thousands more words a day than men do. Testosterone causes silence. Men talk about facts and want
clarity and brevity. Women also, according to Reuven
Bar-on, have a greater sense of social responsibility. Does this preclude honesty? When we meet for lunch, we greet each other as Nancy, and Kelly, and Meg. Men? Fatso, and Stupid and Loser. Are men being more "honest"? If so, are they being less socially responsible, i.e., not caring if they hurt the other guy's feelings? I can't imagine a man's feelings being hurt by that, yet no woman would greet another woman with Big Butt, Drama Queen, or Boobless Wonder, though they might think it.
Would being 100% honest insure the survival of a
relationship? No. The person might be "honest" about the
fact that they could not live with you any more and were
filing for divorce. Do men say this because they're
attempting to systemize, with rules? Or because they've
found women to be "dishonest"?
I've heard more than one man say, "I don't know why she left me. I thought we had a perfect marriage. (Women divorce men more often than vice versa.) Variations include, "She was deceptive. I didn't know anything was wrong," and "She told me why she was leaving, but it doesn't make any sense." A plea for "honesty" might be a plea for comprehensibility.
A female client told me she told her man, "I love but, you I don't like you right now." He said she was being dishonest, "because you can't be both at once". It didn't fit his system or either/or. Honesty, I think, or the reporting of it, requires clear, logical thinking. Who's clear and logical when fighting with a lover? Or listening to one?
If you're a man, are you listening, as in hearing? This
means hearing the feelings, not assessing the facts. If
you're a woman, are you being clear? Women tend to know
sooner when a relationship is headed for trouble and attempt
to address it. If you're a man, are you hearing this as
"being told what to do"?
I think this plea from men for honesty is a wish to be able
to understand the woman they love (and themselves in the relationship). They want facts and clarity. However, to understand others, you must first understand yourself, and this means feelings. Honesty, alas, begins at home.
As a concept that I believe is both unachievable and potentially destructive, I tend to agree with Graham Greene: "The truth has never been of any real value to any human being - it is a symbol for mathematicians and philosophers to pursue. In human relations, kindness and lies are worth a thousands truths." It is nearly impossible for me to outright lie, about either a fact or a feeling, but I will at times do what the Arabs propose: "It is good to know the truth, but it is better to speak of palm trees." Discretion is the better part of valor.
There's something else to consider about being honest:
Whether it's true or not, it's true. As John Lilly said,
"In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true or becomes true."
Now, what about total honesty between two people?
Kindness may be of more value. Honesty should not be used
as the weapon it can be. One of the cruelest things we can
do is to use an intimate revelation against the person who
said it. We know how to hurt the people we love. It's part
of our obligation as a decent human beings not to do this. "Better a lie that heals than a truth that wounds," say the Czechs.
Should you be honest about your feelings? Yes . but. Let's say he wants sex and you don't. It's one thing to say, "I don't feel like it now. I had a terrible day at work," and even possible to say, "Not until you've taken a shower and put on some deodorant." But to say, "No, you're the worst lover I've ever had, and like you were saying about your ex-wife the other night ." That sort of "honesty" is inexcusable, and, if not true, soon will be.
There's no easy solution to this. I researched the world's proverbs on this subject we all struggle with. Most were in the vein of "Whoever tells the truth is chased out of nine villages." (African). The Corsicans stood out: "He who tells the truth will never be unhappy," they say. Maybe the answer lies in the Arab proverb: "When you shoot an arrow of truth, dip its point in honey."
An intimate relationship isn't a system, it's a dance, and
the music is emotions. Developing your EQ is essential, so
you can learn to know, manage and express your emotions
better, and to practice the competency of forgiveness, which will always be needed.
Sometimes the most honest thing you can say is, "I don't
know what to say now," and the most helpful thing you can
say is, "I love you." And keep in mind, to paraphrase
Thomas Leonard, we're all doing our very best, even when clearly we're not.
Not what are you going to say, honestly, to your loved
one when she says, "Does my butt look fat in these pants?"
and when he says, "Am I a good lover?" You can always
got to a feeing, and here are some:
I feel uncomfortable when you ask me that.
I'm wondering why you ask.
I love you.
Let's talk about what you're really wanting to know.
Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching, Internet courses and ebooks around emotional intelligence for your personal and professional success. We coach and train EQ coaches internationally. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for information on this fast, affordable, comprehensive, no-residency program, arranged to fit your schedule. Coaching is the ideal profession. Email for FREE EQ ezine.
7 Myths About Creating A
Better Relationship
by: Cecil McIntosh
In my private practice for over 14 years no matter what my clients have
come to see me about, there has always been an issue about a better
relationship.
Here are 7 of the most common misconceptions my clients have related to
me about having a better relationship. These misconceptions are followed
by my perspective on each one of them.
Myth 1 I have to love everything about my partner
Reality Check 1
You were born pure and pristine. You then learnt behaviors from your
parents, teacher, coaches, church etc. (who did their best to teach you
about a better relationship). These behaviors have become the backbone for
your way of living and having a better relationship.
Perhaps a common behavior that irritates having a better relationship
would be leaving the toilet seat up after use. This is merely a behavior
and not the essence of the person. However, when you may consider this
behavior to be the person, this destroys the concept of a better
relationship, creating all kinds of conflict in your need for a better
relationship.
Myth 2 Love means that I can fix your partner
Reality Check 2
You met your partner because of some special quality or charteristic
that you admired. You need to accept and allow that quality to flourish in
order to allow you and your partner to grow into a better relationship.
You may be unaware that you do not even like yourself. Yet by allowing
your partner to grow and expand, you will experience the quality of your
partner and the beauty within you, as you begin to enjoy a better
relationship.
Myth 3
I am supposed to give up the things I like in order to be in a better
relationship.
Reality Check 3
Giving up the things you like to be in a better relationship is like
take a knife and cutting away a part of yourself.
Your better relationship is based on the uniqueness of you and your
partner.
When you give up your uniqueness you rob yourself of a better
relationship, your passion and your partner of your creativity.
Myth 4 I will be rescued by a knight in shining armour
Reality Check 4
You may have been conditioned to live your life expecting someone to
take care of you. What happens if that person becomes ill? and is no
longer able to take care of you.
Your responsibility in creating a better relationship, is to bring your
passion to the table of your relationship. Some days you will be the
knight in shining armour and another day your partner will be the knight
in shining armour of a better relationship.
You will each get a chance to shine like star in a better relationship
because of your strengths and weaknesses.
Myth 5 It cost a lot to be in a relationship
Reality Check 5
In a material context, a better relationship can be expensive if you
think that love is based on the bigger house, car or boat. Although some
of these material assets are necessary, they should not be at the expense
of creating a better relationship.
Love is creating a better relationship by building a relationship that
is based on the simple things in life, like walking and holding hands,
going on a picnic (just the two of you), or sharing an ice cream.
Love in a better relationship is not about what you show on the outside
but what you express in you heart. Love is not about money or materialism,
love just is.
Myth 6 Love in a relationship is or is not a feeling
Reality Check 6
It is not what you say, it is what you do. You can say, "I love you"
which may be merely words and no feelings (action). Love is the action of
doing.
If you make a cup of tea for yourself, (the water is boiled), make a
cup of tea for your partner. Whether your partner wants the tea or not is
irrelevant, it is the thought that counts and the action that cements a
better relationship.
Myth 7 I don't have to work at my relationship
Reality Check 7
As a child, you learned to creep before you walked. Then you learned
the letters of the alphabet. In order to write, you had to learn how to
put those letters together to make words and sentences.
These sentences then become the way in which you communicated.
When you and your partner stop communicating after learning how to use
the letters of the alphabet in sentences, it's like 2 tape recorders
talking to each other - Nobody is at home to enjoy a better relationship.
In summary:
1. Your partner's behavior in a better relationship is not your
partner's true essence.
2. There is no need to have a clone of yourself. A better relationship
requires some variety.
3. Giving up of your uniqueness to be in a better relationship is like
throwing out the baby with the bath water.
4. In a better relationship there are no superior partners, just equal
partners.
5. Love in creating a better relationship is not about money and the
material assets (although there are important) but the simple things in
life.
6. Love in a better relationship is active not passive.
7. Lack of communication crushes your desire for a better relationship.
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