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Everything Your Parents Did Not Tell You About Understanding or Being Understood

by: Markus Eriksson

For sure my own parents never said anything to me about this fundamental shift of focus that moves your relationships either toward greatness or deflatness. Once my eyes were opened to it I have never looked at a human interaction the same way again.

My eyes were first open by Bo, a good friend of mine. He offered this perspective on relationships, well on any meeting with another human being. It was amazed at the simplicity of it.

So lets pop the million dollar question; are you a person who strive to understand others or to be understood by others? And are you able to catch yourself in the midst of a discussion to clarify which of the two you are focusing on in the moment?

I claim that in any discussion or conflict that is moving in a downward spiral towards negativity, where the parties feel stuck or where the heat of the moment is mounting, that this discussion is going where it is going because there is too much focus on being understood instead of understanding the other person.

A typical behaviour that we indulge into when we focus on being understood is that we have what we are going to say next playing in our head, rehearsing it, while we half-heartedly listen to the other or are just waiting for the other to catch his or her breath for a short moment so we can jump in and say what we want to have said.

Especially in phases of a relationships development where conflicts are common it make a huge difference if we are able to dare to move to understanding. Because it takes courage. In many ways one could argue that conflict resolution and management are about these two perspectives. In times of conflict, do you spend most of your energy on understanding the other person or is your main focus to be understood by the other person?

Sometimes we kid ourselves by thinking we are really trying to understand while we actually are filling our heads with our own images, our own maps, our own declarations that are meant to clarify what the other person means. More seldom do we dare to seize the moment, empty our head for a short instance and just devote ourselves to truly understanding and taking in the other person�s view of things and perception of the world.

We tend to have our answer playing in our head, so as soon as the other person goes silent for a short moment, deliver that answer with our own words and explanations.

To dare to make a halt and empty ourselves of our own stuff takes, as stated above, courage. It often also requires a trust that the other person will pause and do the same for us. Meaning they will during a time of full attention devote themselves to understanding us.

Countless times I have been in situations where two people with amazing stubbornness devote themselves to being understood. Think of the affect it would have on several on the conflicts in our world if there was a genuine interest for understanding. People who that someone else is passionate about understanding will feel seen and important. People who feel seen and important will feel safe inside. People who feel safe inside do not start wars. People who feel safe inside spread love in the world and allows themselves the luxury of devoting time to understanding other people.

To be able to understand there is an excellent tool in asking questions. Ask with the perspective of understanding the world, the map, the views of the other person. Indulge in a trip together through each others paradigms and views of the world. If you wish to understand another person you need to walk several miles in her shoes.

I wish for you deep understanding and great relationships,

Markus Eriksson

The author Markus Eriksson, is an international developer of human potential, having worked with organizations, leaders and individuals in Asia, Europe and America for over 10 years. He is a much appreciated meeting facilitator, speaker and multimedia author. He is also the creator of the �Everything Your Parents Did Not Tell You�-series in which he with a combination of straight forwardness, warmth and humour shares his knowledge to make you and the world even better. You can find him at http://www.advenire.com.

This article is free for republishing

Markus Eriksson is an international developer of human potential, having worked with organizations, leaders and individuals in Asia, Europe and America for over 10 years. He is a much appreciated meeting facilitator, speaker and multimedia author. He is also the creator of the "Everything Your Parents Did Not Tell You"-series in which he uses a combination of straight forwardness, warmth and humor to share his knowledge to make you and the world even better.

He holds a Bachelors Degree as Physical Education Teacher and has worked for over ten years with teambuilding, leadership trainings and personal growth as a consultant around the world, including United States, China, Europe and of course including his home country Sweden. He publishes his first book in the fall of 2005, first now in Swedish and around Christmas also in English.

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7 Myths About Creating A Better Relationship
by: Cecil McIntosh

In my private practice for over 14 years no matter what my clients have come to see me about, there has always been an issue about a better relationship.

Here are 7 of the most common misconceptions my clients have related to me about having a better relationship. These misconceptions are followed by my perspective on each one of them.

Myth 1 I have to love everything about my partner

Reality Check 1

You were born pure and pristine. You then learnt behaviors from your parents, teacher, coaches, church etc. (who did their best to teach you about a better relationship). These behaviors have become the backbone for your way of living and having a better relationship.

Perhaps a common behavior that irritates having a better relationship would be leaving the toilet seat up after use. This is merely a behavior and not the essence of the person. However, when you may consider this behavior to be the person, this destroys the concept of a better relationship, creating all kinds of conflict in your need for a better relationship.

Myth 2 Love means that I can fix your partner

Reality Check 2

You met your partner because of some special quality or charteristic that you admired. You need to accept and allow that quality to flourish in order to allow you and your partner to grow into a better relationship.

You may be unaware that you do not even like yourself. Yet by allowing your partner to grow and expand, you will experience the quality of your partner and the beauty within you, as you begin to enjoy a better relationship.

Myth 3

I am supposed to give up the things I like in order to be in a better relationship.

Reality Check 3

Giving up the things you like to be in a better relationship is like take a knife and cutting away a part of yourself.

Your better relationship is based on the uniqueness of you and your partner.

When you give up your uniqueness you rob yourself of a better relationship, your passion and your partner of your creativity.

Myth 4 I will be rescued by a knight in shining armour

Reality Check 4

You may have been conditioned to live your life expecting someone to take care of you. What happens if that person becomes ill? and is no longer able to take care of you.

Your responsibility in creating a better relationship, is to bring your passion to the table of your relationship. Some days you will be the knight in shining armour and another day your partner will be the knight in shining armour of a better relationship.

You will each get a chance to shine like star in a better relationship because of your strengths and weaknesses.

Myth 5 It cost a lot to be in a relationship

Reality Check 5

In a material context, a better relationship can be expensive if you think that love is based on the bigger house, car or boat. Although some of these material assets are necessary, they should not be at the expense of creating a better relationship.

Love is creating a better relationship by building a relationship that is based on the simple things in life, like walking and holding hands, going on a picnic (just the two of you), or sharing an ice cream.

Love in a better relationship is not about what you show on the outside but what you express in you heart. Love is not about money or materialism, love just is.

Myth 6 Love in a relationship is or is not a feeling

Reality Check 6

It is not what you say, it is what you do. You can say, "I love you" which may be merely words and no feelings (action). Love is the action of doing.

If you make a cup of tea for yourself, (the water is boiled), make a cup of tea for your partner. Whether your partner wants the tea or not is irrelevant, it is the thought that counts and the action that cements a better relationship.

Myth 7 I don't have to work at my relationship

Reality Check 7

As a child, you learned to creep before you walked. Then you learned the letters of the alphabet. In order to write, you had to learn how to put those letters together to make words and sentences.

These sentences then become the way in which you communicated.

When you and your partner stop communicating after learning how to use the letters of the alphabet in sentences, it's like 2 tape recorders talking to each other - Nobody is at home to enjoy a better relationship.

In summary:

1. Your partner's behavior in a better relationship is not your partner's true essence.

2. There is no need to have a clone of yourself. A better relationship requires some variety.

3. Giving up of your uniqueness to be in a better relationship is like throwing out the baby with the bath water.

4. In a better relationship there are no superior partners, just equal partners.

5. Love in creating a better relationship is not about money and the material assets (although there are important) but the simple things in life.

6. Love in a better relationship is active not passive.

7. Lack of communication crushes your desire for a better relationship.

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