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4 Steps to Use Fears as Friends: Don’t be a Thunder Dog!
by: Dan Ohler
Imagine humungous, bulbous, billowing alto-cumulus clouds building higher and higher in the sky. They are as black as tar at the bottom and snowy white at the top. It looks as if we’re in for a storm.

CRACK, rumble, rumble, rumble. Use your imagination folks. That’s thunder, not a malfunction of my keyboard.

My black and white Border Collie, Tip, catapults from her slumber, ears laid tight against her head, and she’s off, full tilt, as fast as her legs will take her. Where is she going? She doesn’t know. She’s scared and she is just running.

Does she have a safe place at home? Absolutely. She has a nice dog house that she uses for protection from the rain, snow, and coyotes that venture too close to the yard. But when there is thunder, she runs blindly. She is an incredibly intelligent dog, but under these circumstances, the expression “as dumb as a sack of hoe handles” comes to mind.

You may be thinking, “Cute story but what does this have to do with me?”


Ponder this.

Does a similar reaction happen for you? Something happens in your life (the something rhymes with “it”), and you jump to reaction mode, as if on autopilot? You know what I’m talking about: angry outbursts, sarcasm, rudeness, aloofness, running away, or retreat. It doesn’t make logical sense, and it doesn’t get you the results you want, but you do it anyway. You are an intelligent human being, and yet, it still happens.


Why does this occur?

Let’s have a quick look at how the brain works – in dogs and in you.


Dog Noodle Notes (about Tip’s brain)

The intense sound of the thunder is a nerve message that goes to Tip’s brain. Her brain stem, the most primal part of her brain, receives the stimuli and determines that this loud sound could be a threat to her safety. A threat causes fear, and the brain stem instantaneously overrides all other brain systems and directs her body to do one of three things – fight, flight, or freeze. In Tip’s case, it’s flight. Is she really in danger of losing life or limb? Not a chance, but her brain doesn’t know that.

If I am near Tip, and hear the thunder, there is a split second in which I can catch her attention, and encourage her to make a different choice – to go to the safety of her house. If I miss that chance, she’s gone.


People Noodle Notes (about your brain)

As a human, you have the same primal brain stem and it works exactly the same as Tip’s. When you are hurt or frightened (physically, emotionally, or mentally), a message goes to your brain stem, the threat is recognized, fear is created, and you move into the same mode – fight, flight, or freeze. You lash out at yourself or others physically or verbally, cry, pout, become argumentative or defensive. You run, or at least leave. You retreat to your own space, and are unable to do anything constructive. You do and say things that you wish you hadn’t, and the consequences of your reactions, over time, can completely destroy your relationships.

I know this happens for you because the “fear” and “reaction mode” happens for me.

What is my reaction? Because of my personality style, I retreat, become aloof, and lose myself in my work. I become sarcastic and abrupt.

Am I this way to customers or friends? No way! I take it out on those closest to me – my wife Carol, my sons Jamie and Brad, or other family members, even though they may not have had anything to do with my fear.

Does it make logical sense? Not at all, but it happens, unless I am aware of what is going on and make a different conscious choice.

Just like Tip, there is a split second in which I have the ability to let the message move past the brain stem to the cortex of my brain, which is the logical and spiritual part of my brain. The cortex processes the message, considers consequences, alternatives, feelings, and allows me to make a different choice for myself and others.

The same applies to you.


How can you benefit from this knowledge?

Here's how.

4 Steps to Use Fears as Friends
These are basic, not necessarily simple:

1. Notice that feeling of fear, disappointment, discouragement, hurt, or anger. It may be: tenseness of muscles, heat, perspiration, scowling, tears, clenched fists, rapid heartbeat, and lack of focus. These are some cues to let you know that fear is present.

2. In that moment, STOP! Take a deep breath – or ten. This gives the stimulus enough time to be accepted by your rational cortex. Think about your reactive responses in the past to the same or similar experiences. Were you happy with the consequences and the effect on your relationships? Do you want that to happen again?

3. Wave your magic wand. What is the “best way” for this to turn out, and what actions can you take to achieve that desired outcome? Notice it says “actions you take,” not what someone else should do.

4. Choose and Act!!


You are a human. You have fears. They show themselves as: anger, defensiveness, frustration, or a need to be right. The reactions are not healthy for you or your relationships.

The truth is this: you are the captain of your ship! You are accountable for everything that happens in your life. You always have the power to make a choice - ALWAYS. And ultimately, not making a choice is still a choice.

Use the fears as friends and follow the steps above. You will notice a dramatic improvement in your self-esteem and self-confidence. Watch your personal and business relationships soar.

You know that relationships are vitally important. Treat them with care. Genuine happiness is impossible without them. Don’t be a thunder dog!

Copyright© 2005


Dan Ohler is a relationship, change, and happiness specialist based near Edmonton, AB, Canada. Dan’s high-content keynotes, workshops, and comedy presentations help you and your organization excel.

Dan encourages change through insights & humour. Learn to apply the basics of human psychology, the natural laws that produce success. Learn the secrets to create life-long flourishing relationships, and abounding success.

To book Dan for your next conference or event, get FREE articles, or to subscribe to his e-zine, “Soaring Insights,” visit Thinkin Outside The Barn

This article is free for republishing
Who is Dan Ohler?



Dan is based near Edmonton, AB, Canada.



As a relationship, change, and happiness specialist, Dan uses high-content keynote presentations, workshops, and comedy presentations to help you and your organization excel.



Dan encourages change through insights & humour. You learn to apply the basics of human psychology – the natural laws that produce success.



Dan's book, "Thinkin' Outside The Barn And Steppin' Into Fresh B.S." is about these natural laws, and how you can use them to positively change your life. It is available at http://www.ThinkinOutsideTheBarn.com/newbook.htm





For more information, or to book Dan for your next conference or event, visit http://www.ThinkinOutsideTheBarn.com

 


©2005 - All Rights Reserved

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 7 Myths About Creating A Better Relationship
 by: Cecil McIntosh

In my private practice for over 14 years no matter what my clients have come to see me about, there has always been an issue about a better relationship.

Here are 7 of the most common misconceptions my clients have related to me about having a better relationship. These misconceptions are followed by my perspective on each one of them.

Myth 1 I have to love everything about my partner

Reality Check 1

You were born pure and pristine. You then learnt behaviors from your parents, teacher, coaches, church etc. (who did their best to teach you about a better relationship). These behaviors have become the backbone for your way of living and having a better relationship.

Perhaps a common behavior that irritates having a better relationship would be leaving the toilet seat up after use. This is merely a behavior and not the essence of the person. However, when you may consider this behavior to be the person, this destroys the concept of a better relationship, creating all kinds of conflict in your need for a better relationship.

Myth 2 Love means that I can fix your partner

Reality Check 2

You met your partner because of some special quality or charteristic that you admired. You need to accept and allow that quality to flourish in order to allow you and your partner to grow into a better relationship.

You may be unaware that you do not even like yourself. Yet by allowing your partner to grow and expand, you will experience the quality of your partner and the beauty within you, as you begin to enjoy a better relationship.

Myth 3

I am supposed to give up the things I like in order to be in a better relationship.

Reality Check 3

Giving up the things you like to be in a better relationship is like take a knife and cutting away a part of yourself.

Your better relationship is based on the uniqueness of you and your partner.

When you give up your uniqueness you rob yourself of a better relationship, your passion and your partner of your creativity.

Myth 4 I will be rescued by a knight in shining armour

Reality Check 4

You may have been conditioned to live your life expecting someone to take care of you. What happens if that person becomes ill? and is no longer able to take care of you.

Your responsibility in creating a better relationship, is to bring your passion to the table of your relationship. Some days you will be the knight in shining armour and another day your partner will be the knight in shining armour of a better relationship.

You will each get a chance to shine like star in a better relationship because of your strengths and weaknesses.

Myth 5 It cost a lot to be in a relationship

Reality Check 5

In a material context, a better relationship can be expensive if you think that love is based on the bigger house, car or boat. Although some of these material assets are necessary, they should not be at the expense of creating a better relationship.

Love is creating a better relationship by building a relationship that is based on the simple things in life, like walking and holding hands, going on a picnic (just the two of you), or sharing an ice cream.

Love in a better relationship is not about what you show on the outside but what you express in you heart. Love is not about money or materialism, love just is.

Myth 6 Love in a relationship is or is not a feeling

Reality Check 6

It is not what you say, it is what you do. You can say, "I love you" which may be merely words and no feelings (action). Love is the action of doing.

If you make a cup of tea for yourself, (the water is boiled), make a cup of tea for your partner. Whether your partner wants the tea or not is irrelevant, it is the thought that counts and the action that cements a better relationship.

Myth 7 I don't have to work at my relationship

Reality Check 7

As a child, you learned to creep before you walked. Then you learned the letters of the alphabet. In order to write, you had to learn how to put those letters together to make words and sentences.

These sentences then become the way in which you communicated.

When you and your partner stop communicating after learning how to use the letters of the alphabet in sentences, it's like 2 tape recorders talking to each other - Nobody is at home to enjoy a better relationship.

In summary:

1. Your partner's behavior in a better relationship is not your partner's true essence.

2. There is no need to have a clone of yourself. A better relationship requires some variety.

3. Giving up of your uniqueness to be in a better relationship is like throwing out the baby with the bath water.

4. In a better relationship there are no superior partners, just equal partners.

5. Love in creating a better relationship is not about money and the material assets (although there are important) but the simple things in life.

6. Love in a better relationship is active not passive.

7. Lack of communication crushes your desire for a better relationship.


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