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The Powerful Secret to A Loving Relationship
by: Margaret Paul
Title: The Powerful Secret to A Loving Relationship

Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com

Copyright: © 2005 by Margaret Paul

URL: http://www.innerbonding.com

Word Count: 656

Category: Relationships





The Powerful Secret to A Loving Relationship

By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.



There are many factors that go into creating a loving

relationship. Certainly it helps if two people have some

things in common regarding how they like to spend their

time. It also helps if they have common values around

religion or spirituality, around politics, the environment,

abortion, and personal growth. It helps if they both eat

junk food or both eat organic food. It makes things easier

if both are neat or both are messy, if both are on time

people or both are late people. Physical attraction is also

quite important. It’s great if they have common values

around money and spending.



Yet a couple can have all of these and still not have a

loving relationship if one element is missing. Without this

essential ingredient, all the other wonderful attributes

will not be enough to make the relationship work.



This essential ingredient is about intention.



At any given moment, each of us is devoted to only one of

two different intentions: to control or to learn. When our

intention is to control, our deepest motivation is to have

control over getting love, avoiding pain, and feeling safe.

When our intention is to learn, our deepest motivation is to

learn about being loving to ourselves and others.



The motivation to get love rather than be loving can create

havoc within a relationship.



Let’s look at a typical relationship issue and see what

happens regarding the two different intentions. Jason and

Samantha are feeling emotionally distant from each other,

and they haven’t made love in a month. The problem started

when Samantha stated that she wanted to take an expensive

vacation and Jason objected. Samantha got angry, Jason gave

in, and they have been distant ever since.



Samantha’s intention was to have control over getting what

see wanted. She equates an expensive vacation with love â€"

if Jason does this for her, then he proves his love for her.

She used her anger as a way to have control over getting

what she wants. She wants control over feeling special to

Jason.



Jason’s intention is to avoid pain. He gave himself up to

have control over Samantha not being angry with him. He

hopes that by giving Samantha what she wants, she will see

him as a good and loving husband.



However, because both Jason and Samantha were trying to

control each other rather than be loving to themselves and

each other, their interaction created emotional distance.



What would this have looked like if their intention had been

to learn?



If Samantha’s intent had been to learn, she would not have

become angry. Instead, she would have wanted to understand

Jason’s objections. If Jason’s intention had been to

learn, he would not have given himself up. Instead he would

have wanted to understand why this particular vacation was

so important to Samantha. Both Samantha and Jason would have

been caring about themselves and each other, rather than

wanting to get love or avoid pain. In their mutual

exploration about why they each felt the way they did, they

would have learned what they needed to learn - about

themselves and each other - to reach a win-win resolution.

Instead of Samantha ostensibly winning and Jason losing,

they would have come up with something both of them could

live with. With some exploration of his financial fears,

Jason might have decided that the vacation Samantha wanted

would be fine. With understand of Jason’s financial

concerns, Samantha might have decided on a less expensive

vacation. In either case, both of them would have felt fine

about the outcome.



No matter how much Jason and Samantha have in common or are

attracted to each other, their love will diminish when their

intent is to control rather than learn. It’s amazing how

quickly love vanishes when one or both partners have the

intent to control. It’s equally amazing how fast it comes

back when both partners have the intent to learn.



About The Author:



Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and

co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me

To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is

the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing

process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a

FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or

email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone

Sessions Available.

This article is free for republishing
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing

process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site FREE Inner Bonding course.

Contact her at http://www.innerbonding.com

 



©2005 - All Rights Reserved

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The Power of Love - Dating Smart
 by: Jill Dellamalva

You don’t need to depend on fate to bring “The One” to your doorstep. You might have to wait a very long time.

You don’t have to be the prettiest girl or the most handsome guy to be a successful dater. You don’t need a huge bank account. You don’t have to drive a new sports car, live in a large home, have the best sense of humor, or the most confidence. These things are all desirable; but chances are, they won’t keep the target of your affection around forever.

So what is it that you need to get and keep your love around? The answer is simple.

Power.

Many people looking for relationships are searching for someone to complete them, to fill in what is lacking in their own lives. A smart dater pays attention to detail, determines what it is that the other person is lacking, and ultimately provides it. A smart dater knows that when you are a source of something another person needs to be happy, you have power over them.

The first step to achieving power and becoming a smart dater is assessing the personality of the person you want to be with. You must zone in on the characteristic that defines the person most. Then, use your observations about their personality to determine what the person needs in his or her life to be happy. Finally, provide it.

Take, for example, the aggressive personality. If you’re in love with The Aggressor, you know that he or she isn’t a bit shy. The Aggressor knows what he or she is after, and thrives on the challenge of attaining it. Love with The Aggressor can be compared to a sport, and The Aggressor is looking to win. Like in any sport, an easy victory can be quite boring and quick. Your task is to give the Aggressor a challenge. Do not let your heart be an easy win. If you do, the Aggressor will simply move on to the next person. When the Aggressor leaves you a voice mail to call them back, forget to call. When the Aggressor asks you out for a date, once in a while tell them that you are too busy. Be moody, selfish, and difficult from time to time. Now, don’t be completely mean – remember, you must give kindness and affection to The Aggressor as much as you take it away. This will drive The Aggressor insane, and cause him or her to lose focus of the game. In no time, you’ll be holding the trophy.

Perhaps your love interest is not The Aggressor. Perhaps he or she is reserved and shy. This personality type tends to be innocent, and maybe lacking in solid relationship experience. You job, then, is to initiate The Quiet One into the realm of relationships and dating. Give The Quiet One something to get excited about. Shower The Quiet One with frivolous gifts and attention. Approach The Quiet One with zest, energy, and an ultra-positive attitude about life. Essentially, bring The Quiet One out of his or her shell, making them feel comfortable with you. In return, The Quiet One will become almost dependant on you for fun, activity, and love.

There are a myriad of personality types you will find out in the world. Another is The Snob. This person needs an average Joe or Jane to bring them down to earth. They won’t want to stoop to the level of giving you a second look – but be persistent. The Snob’s affection is earned. The more affection you give, the more flattered The Snob will become. This is because The Snob, by trait, likes to be given things. Instead of spoiling the Snob with things he or she already has, provide something unique. Cook The Snob romantic dinners at home, and skip the fancy restaurants. Pick the female Snob wildflowers instead of buying traditional roses. The Snob can then brag to other Snobs that he or she has someone “different” than everyone else. And as you know, Snobs always like to have what everyone else doesn’t.

There is also The Soap Opera Star. If you have the saintly qualities needed to love The Soap Opera Star, more power to you. This person eats, sleeps, and breathes drama. Take the normal ups and downs in life, and multiply them by 1000. Such is the life of The Soap Opera Star. The Soap Opera Star misplaces his golf club, and everything that happens from that point on in the day is absolutely ruined. Don’t be surprised if The Soap Opera Star takes his or her troubles out on you. If you desire to love this gem, patience, understanding (even if you must pretend) and the ability to console are qualities you have to put forth. The Soap Opera Star will end up completely in love with you. If you decide to leave The Soap Opera Star, he or she will stalk you.

Another popular personality is The Complainer. Everything annoys The Complainer. You can tell The Complainer that he or she looks nice today, and they will respond with a very serious, “Why do you have to lie to me? I gained 5 pounds in the last week, my pants look too short, and I’m having a bad hair day. I definitely know I can’t trust you to tell me the truth.” If you truly love The Complainer, you will never take their words to heart. You will also keep providing them with more topics to complain about, like a drug supply to an addict. Bring up topics that you know they love to moan about. They, in turn, will provide you with hours of one-on-one conversation. You’d better have a good ear to listen, and be able to support them in their outlandish claims. Don’t expect to do too much talking yourself. The Complainer will love you to death. Literally.

All in all, no matter what type of person you are trying to win over, you can do it with a little bit of common sense and consideration. Think your way through the situation. That’s all it takes. The power of love is in your hands.



©2005 - All Rights Reserved

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