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Speaking Your Truth to Your Partner
by: Margaret Paul

Speaking Your Truth to Your Partner
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Mark sought my help because he was thinking of leaving his
wife, Linda. He had not been feeling in love with Linda for
a long time, but they had two children and he really didn't
want to break up the family.

"Mark," I asked, "Were you ever in love with Linda?"

"Yes, at the beginning of our relationship."

"Then what happened?"

"Linda seemed to get really insecure once I started my new
business and had long work days. Even though I think I gave
her a lot of attention on the weekends, she started getting
angry pretty much every day. Then after our son was born,
she seemed even more unhappy and irritable. She gets mean
when she's angry and I just don't find that appealing. I
don't feel close to her anymore."

"Have you said anything to her about this?" I asked.

"No," he replied. "She already seems so unhappy. I don't
want to hurt her feelings."

"So how do you handle it?"

"I guess I just sort of shut down and pretend that
everything is okay. But I'm spending more and more time at
work because I don't like being at home and recently I met
another woman that I'm attracted to. I realize I've got to
do something about this."

"Do you really think that leaving her will cause less hurt
than telling her your truth?"

"Well, if I just leave then I don't have to deal with her
hurt."

"Mark, that's a lack of courage and integrity. And you have
two children to think about. You once loved Linda and it's
possible that you could again, but only if you are willing
to be honest. You need to give Linda a chance to deal with
this. She has no idea what's going on. She might decide to
deal with her anger, or she might not, but at least give her
a chance to make that decision. And relationship problems
are never one-sided. Perhaps she has things to say to you
too."

Mark decided to tell Linda the truth, even though he was
really scared. He told her that her anger was pushing him
away, and that he didn't like being home anymore because he
felt so blamed and controlled by her. He told her that he
was attracted to another woman who was treating him with
kindness and caring, and that he wanted this from Linda. He
told her he had been thinking of leaving and had sought my
help and that I told him to tell the truth. He asked her if
she would join him in counseling.

Linda was shocked. She had no idea all this was going on
with Mark. She thought she was the only one feeling so
unloved in the relationship. At first she reacted exactly as
Mark feared, with anger, hurt, and blame. But he told her
the truth about this too – that he had been afraid to be
truthful with her because of this reaction, and that if she
wanted the truth, she need to be open to it rather than
closed and angry. Finally Linda heard him and they were able
to talk honestly for the first time in years. Linda was
actually relieved at hearing the truth, once she got over
the initial shock and they were able to talk. She agreed to
counseling.

In counseling, Mark discovered that Linda also had been
afraid to be honest with Mark, fearing that he would
withdraw even more. She was just as afraid of his withdrawal
as he was of her anger. They discovered that both of them
had been protecting against their fears rather than being
open to learning with each other. As they both opened to
learning, the love gradually came back into their
relationship.

People often believe that they are withholding their truth
to spare their partner pain, but their real intent is to
protect themselves from the response they fear. Protecting
against pain – with anger, withdrawal, and blame - will
always bring about the very pain we fear, while opening to
learning and speaking our truth opens the door to love.

About The Author:

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is
the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing
process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a
FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or
email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone
Sessions Available.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing

process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site FREE Inner Bonding course.

Contact her at http://www.innerbonding.com

 



©2005 - All Rights Reserved

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The Power of Love - Dating Smart
 by: Jill Dellamalva

You don’t need to depend on fate to bring “The One” to your doorstep. You might have to wait a very long time.

You don’t have to be the prettiest girl or the most handsome guy to be a successful dater. You don’t need a huge bank account. You don’t have to drive a new sports car, live in a large home, have the best sense of humor, or the most confidence. These things are all desirable; but chances are, they won’t keep the target of your affection around forever.

So what is it that you need to get and keep your love around? The answer is simple.

Power.

Many people looking for relationships are searching for someone to complete them, to fill in what is lacking in their own lives. A smart dater pays attention to detail, determines what it is that the other person is lacking, and ultimately provides it. A smart dater knows that when you are a source of something another person needs to be happy, you have power over them.

The first step to achieving power and becoming a smart dater is assessing the personality of the person you want to be with. You must zone in on the characteristic that defines the person most. Then, use your observations about their personality to determine what the person needs in his or her life to be happy. Finally, provide it.

Take, for example, the aggressive personality. If you’re in love with The Aggressor, you know that he or she isn’t a bit shy. The Aggressor knows what he or she is after, and thrives on the challenge of attaining it. Love with The Aggressor can be compared to a sport, and The Aggressor is looking to win. Like in any sport, an easy victory can be quite boring and quick. Your task is to give the Aggressor a challenge. Do not let your heart be an easy win. If you do, the Aggressor will simply move on to the next person. When the Aggressor leaves you a voice mail to call them back, forget to call. When the Aggressor asks you out for a date, once in a while tell them that you are too busy. Be moody, selfish, and difficult from time to time. Now, don’t be completely mean – remember, you must give kindness and affection to The Aggressor as much as you take it away. This will drive The Aggressor insane, and cause him or her to lose focus of the game. In no time, you’ll be holding the trophy.

Perhaps your love interest is not The Aggressor. Perhaps he or she is reserved and shy. This personality type tends to be innocent, and maybe lacking in solid relationship experience. You job, then, is to initiate The Quiet One into the realm of relationships and dating. Give The Quiet One something to get excited about. Shower The Quiet One with frivolous gifts and attention. Approach The Quiet One with zest, energy, and an ultra-positive attitude about life. Essentially, bring The Quiet One out of his or her shell, making them feel comfortable with you. In return, The Quiet One will become almost dependant on you for fun, activity, and love.

There are a myriad of personality types you will find out in the world. Another is The Snob. This person needs an average Joe or Jane to bring them down to earth. They won’t want to stoop to the level of giving you a second look – but be persistent. The Snob’s affection is earned. The more affection you give, the more flattered The Snob will become. This is because The Snob, by trait, likes to be given things. Instead of spoiling the Snob with things he or she already has, provide something unique. Cook The Snob romantic dinners at home, and skip the fancy restaurants. Pick the female Snob wildflowers instead of buying traditional roses. The Snob can then brag to other Snobs that he or she has someone “different” than everyone else. And as you know, Snobs always like to have what everyone else doesn’t.

There is also The Soap Opera Star. If you have the saintly qualities needed to love The Soap Opera Star, more power to you. This person eats, sleeps, and breathes drama. Take the normal ups and downs in life, and multiply them by 1000. Such is the life of The Soap Opera Star. The Soap Opera Star misplaces his golf club, and everything that happens from that point on in the day is absolutely ruined. Don’t be surprised if The Soap Opera Star takes his or her troubles out on you. If you desire to love this gem, patience, understanding (even if you must pretend) and the ability to console are qualities you have to put forth. The Soap Opera Star will end up completely in love with you. If you decide to leave The Soap Opera Star, he or she will stalk you.

Another popular personality is The Complainer. Everything annoys The Complainer. You can tell The Complainer that he or she looks nice today, and they will respond with a very serious, “Why do you have to lie to me? I gained 5 pounds in the last week, my pants look too short, and I’m having a bad hair day. I definitely know I can’t trust you to tell me the truth.” If you truly love The Complainer, you will never take their words to heart. You will also keep providing them with more topics to complain about, like a drug supply to an addict. Bring up topics that you know they love to moan about. They, in turn, will provide you with hours of one-on-one conversation. You’d better have a good ear to listen, and be able to support them in their outlandish claims. Don’t expect to do too much talking yourself. The Complainer will love you to death. Literally.

All in all, no matter what type of person you are trying to win over, you can do it with a little bit of common sense and consideration. Think your way through the situation. That’s all it takes. The power of love is in your hands.



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