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Relationships: Giving to Get
by: Margaret Paul
Relationships: Giving to Get
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Are you giving love to your partner for the joy of giving,
or are you giving to get love?

I received the following email on this topic, asking for my
help:

"Hi, my name is Adam. I am living with my parents and I'm
thinking of moving out with my girlfriend Patty. But there
are some things that make me feel upset, and I don't really
know what to do. I love her but she doesn't seem to be the
person she was. At times she feels bad and upset. These
periods last for about 4 - 5 days. During these times she
seems more distant and our sex life just stops. This makes
me frustrated because for the past year I have been working
so hard to try and make her feel better when she feels bad.
I thought that it was working but now it seems nothing I do
works. I miss the old times because she kissed me randomly
all day and it made me feel so loved and wanted. She would
hold me, and tell me great things. It was like a fantasy.
Now, I'm lucky if she kisses me at least once in about 3
hours. I actually start all of the kissing. I start all of
the holding. It feels like I have to start everything.

Mainly at times it feels like she just wants me as a friend.
She doesn't make me feel loved or wanted. My feelings about
this come and go mainly around the times when she feels bad.
But these feelings also come around sometimes when she is
not feeling bad.

I just don't have a clue what to do, and I need some help."

Adam is giving to get. He wants control over getting Patty
to validate his worth and fill him up. He is fine as long as
Patty is having sex with him and kissing him a lot and
making him feel "loved and wanted." But, because Adam is not
doing anything to make himself feel loved and wanted, he is
addicted to Patty doing this. He is not giving his love to
Patty from a full place inside, a place inside filled with
love. Instead, he is empty inside and hopes that if he
"works hard" and is nice to Patty, he can have control over
getting her to fill his empty hole. As a result, Patty feels
pulled on to take responsibility for Adam's wellbeing, and
becomes upset and distant in the face of the pull. She is
getting turned off to Adam and just wants him as a friend
because his neediness is not attractive to her. When sex is
a way for Adam to get validated - rather than an expression
of his love - Patty will feel used rather than loved. when
they have sex.

Nothing will change in this relationship until Adam decides
to learn how to take responsibility for his own good
feelings rather than expect Patty to do it for him. Patty
wants him to come to her as a powerful and secure man, not
as a needy little boy needing her constant kisses to feel
okay about himself.

Adam needs to take his eyes off how Patty is treating him
and instead focus on how he is treating himself and Patty.
He needs to open to learning about what he is telling
himself and how he is treating himself that is causing his
emptiness and neediness. He needs to stop being a victim of
Patty's behavior and instead focus within on what he needs
to do for himself, for the little boy within him that wants
love and attention. He would have love to share with Patty
if he were to focus on giving himself love and attention and
on making himself happy, instead of trying to make Patty
happy in the hopes that she will make him happy. As it is,
he is just trying to get love - giving to get.

Adam is coming from a very common false belief – that our
best feelings come from being loved and desired. The truth
is that our best feelings come from being loving to
ourselves and to others. Adam won't know this until he
decides to change his intention from trying to have control
over getting love to learning about being loving.


About The Author:

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is
the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing
process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a
FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or
email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone
Sessions Available.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is
the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing
process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a
FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or
email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone
Sessions Available.




Contact him at http://www.innerbonding.com

 



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The Power of Love - Dating Smart
 by: Jill Dellamalva

You don’t need to depend on fate to bring “The One” to your doorstep. You might have to wait a very long time.

You don’t have to be the prettiest girl or the most handsome guy to be a successful dater. You don’t need a huge bank account. You don’t have to drive a new sports car, live in a large home, have the best sense of humor, or the most confidence. These things are all desirable; but chances are, they won’t keep the target of your affection around forever.

So what is it that you need to get and keep your love around? The answer is simple.

Power.

Many people looking for relationships are searching for someone to complete them, to fill in what is lacking in their own lives. A smart dater pays attention to detail, determines what it is that the other person is lacking, and ultimately provides it. A smart dater knows that when you are a source of something another person needs to be happy, you have power over them.

The first step to achieving power and becoming a smart dater is assessing the personality of the person you want to be with. You must zone in on the characteristic that defines the person most. Then, use your observations about their personality to determine what the person needs in his or her life to be happy. Finally, provide it.

Take, for example, the aggressive personality. If you’re in love with The Aggressor, you know that he or she isn’t a bit shy. The Aggressor knows what he or she is after, and thrives on the challenge of attaining it. Love with The Aggressor can be compared to a sport, and The Aggressor is looking to win. Like in any sport, an easy victory can be quite boring and quick. Your task is to give the Aggressor a challenge. Do not let your heart be an easy win. If you do, the Aggressor will simply move on to the next person. When the Aggressor leaves you a voice mail to call them back, forget to call. When the Aggressor asks you out for a date, once in a while tell them that you are too busy. Be moody, selfish, and difficult from time to time. Now, don’t be completely mean – remember, you must give kindness and affection to The Aggressor as much as you take it away. This will drive The Aggressor insane, and cause him or her to lose focus of the game. In no time, you’ll be holding the trophy.

Perhaps your love interest is not The Aggressor. Perhaps he or she is reserved and shy. This personality type tends to be innocent, and maybe lacking in solid relationship experience. You job, then, is to initiate The Quiet One into the realm of relationships and dating. Give The Quiet One something to get excited about. Shower The Quiet One with frivolous gifts and attention. Approach The Quiet One with zest, energy, and an ultra-positive attitude about life. Essentially, bring The Quiet One out of his or her shell, making them feel comfortable with you. In return, The Quiet One will become almost dependant on you for fun, activity, and love.

There are a myriad of personality types you will find out in the world. Another is The Snob. This person needs an average Joe or Jane to bring them down to earth. They won’t want to stoop to the level of giving you a second look – but be persistent. The Snob’s affection is earned. The more affection you give, the more flattered The Snob will become. This is because The Snob, by trait, likes to be given things. Instead of spoiling the Snob with things he or she already has, provide something unique. Cook The Snob romantic dinners at home, and skip the fancy restaurants. Pick the female Snob wildflowers instead of buying traditional roses. The Snob can then brag to other Snobs that he or she has someone “different” than everyone else. And as you know, Snobs always like to have what everyone else doesn’t.

There is also The Soap Opera Star. If you have the saintly qualities needed to love The Soap Opera Star, more power to you. This person eats, sleeps, and breathes drama. Take the normal ups and downs in life, and multiply them by 1000. Such is the life of The Soap Opera Star. The Soap Opera Star misplaces his golf club, and everything that happens from that point on in the day is absolutely ruined. Don’t be surprised if The Soap Opera Star takes his or her troubles out on you. If you desire to love this gem, patience, understanding (even if you must pretend) and the ability to console are qualities you have to put forth. The Soap Opera Star will end up completely in love with you. If you decide to leave The Soap Opera Star, he or she will stalk you.

Another popular personality is The Complainer. Everything annoys The Complainer. You can tell The Complainer that he or she looks nice today, and they will respond with a very serious, “Why do you have to lie to me? I gained 5 pounds in the last week, my pants look too short, and I’m having a bad hair day. I definitely know I can’t trust you to tell me the truth.” If you truly love The Complainer, you will never take their words to heart. You will also keep providing them with more topics to complain about, like a drug supply to an addict. Bring up topics that you know they love to moan about. They, in turn, will provide you with hours of one-on-one conversation. You’d better have a good ear to listen, and be able to support them in their outlandish claims. Don’t expect to do too much talking yourself. The Complainer will love you to death. Literally.

All in all, no matter what type of person you are trying to win over, you can do it with a little bit of common sense and consideration. Think your way through the situation. That’s all it takes. The power of love is in your hands.



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