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Overcoming Fears of Intimacy
by: Margaret Paul

Overcoming Fears of Intimacy
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Sam, age 42, had never been married. It's not that Sam had
never fallen in love. But every time a relationship had
started to move toward commitment, Sam ran.

When Sam's loneliness became overwhelming to him, he called
me for help.

"I want to be in a relationship, yet every time I get close
to someone, I run away. I'm not even sure what I'm so afraid
of, but I must be terrified of something!"

"Sam, what happens inside you when you like someone?" The
following answer and resulting dialogue came out over time,
but I've condensed it here.

"I think that if this person really knew me, she wouldn't
like me. I do all kinds of nice things for her so she will
like me. Then after a while I start to feel trapped and I
pull back. She gets upset about my pulling back and I then
feel even more trapped. Once she gets mad at me, I stop
feeling in love with her. That's when I decide she is not
the right one for me. This has happened over and over."

"So the first problem is that you believe that she won't
like you when she gets to know you. Out of your fear of
rejection, you try to control how she feels about you by
doing nice things for her. But then you feel trapped and
your fear of engulfment – of being controlled by her and
losing yourself in the relationship – kicks in. Then you
run. It sounds like your underlying fears of rejection and
engulfment are controlling your life and not letting you
share love."

"That's exactly right! So what do I do about this?"

Sam was operating from core shame – the false belief that
there was something basically wrong with him. As long as he
believed that he was inherently flawed and unlovable, he
would fear rejection. Out of his fear of rejection, he would
give himself up until he felt trapped, and then he would
run.

The part of Sam that believed that he wasn't good enough is
his wounded self. The basis of the wounded self in all of us
is our core shame false belief – the belief that we are
inherently flawed. Our wounded self does not know that we
are a perfect child of God, an individual expression of the
Divine. Because the wounded self operates out of false
beliefs rather than from the truth of who we really are, it
wants to control how people feel about us. Sam needed to
develop a loving Adult part of himself – a part of himself
connected to a spiritual Source of love and truth – in order
to heal his core shame.

The Six Step Inner Bonding process is a profound process for
developing the loving Adult and for healing the fears and
limiting beliefs of the wounded self. As Sam started to
practice Inner Bonding, he slowly developed an Adult self
who loved and valued his core Self, his true essence. As he
developed this inner sense of personal power, he lost his
fear of rejection. He saw that if a woman rejected him, it
was because of her fears rather than because of his
inadequacy or unlovability. Because he stopped taking
rejection personally, he stopped fearing it.

Once he stopped fearing rejection, he stopped giving himself
up in his attempt to control how a woman felt about him.
Once he stopped giving himself up, he stopped feel trapped
and engulfed in a relationship.

Over time, by consistently practicing the Six Steps of Inner
Bonding, Sam developed a powerful inner loving Adult self
and healed his fears of rejection and engulfment. Sam is now
happily married with a child on the way.

This did not happen quickly. It took Sam time to heal his
false beliefs about his own adequacy and lovability. It took
time to develop a personal relationship with a spiritual
Source of love and truth. It took time to be in truth with a
woman rather than being "nice" to try to control how she
felt about him. It took time for him to feel safe in being
himself. It took a couple of years of devoted inner work.

But if you were to ask Sam if all the time it took was worth
it, he would look at you with shining eyes and a huge grin
and you would feel the joy within him. You would have no
doubt that it was worth whatever time it took.

About The Author:

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is
the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing
process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a
FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or
email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing

process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site FREE Inner Bonding course.

Contact her at http://www.innerbonding.com

 



©2005 - All Rights Reserved

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The Power of Love - Dating Smart
 by: Jill Dellamalva

You don’t need to depend on fate to bring “The One” to your doorstep. You might have to wait a very long time.

You don’t have to be the prettiest girl or the most handsome guy to be a successful dater. You don’t need a huge bank account. You don’t have to drive a new sports car, live in a large home, have the best sense of humor, or the most confidence. These things are all desirable; but chances are, they won’t keep the target of your affection around forever.

So what is it that you need to get and keep your love around? The answer is simple.

Power.

Many people looking for relationships are searching for someone to complete them, to fill in what is lacking in their own lives. A smart dater pays attention to detail, determines what it is that the other person is lacking, and ultimately provides it. A smart dater knows that when you are a source of something another person needs to be happy, you have power over them.

The first step to achieving power and becoming a smart dater is assessing the personality of the person you want to be with. You must zone in on the characteristic that defines the person most. Then, use your observations about their personality to determine what the person needs in his or her life to be happy. Finally, provide it.

Take, for example, the aggressive personality. If you’re in love with The Aggressor, you know that he or she isn’t a bit shy. The Aggressor knows what he or she is after, and thrives on the challenge of attaining it. Love with The Aggressor can be compared to a sport, and The Aggressor is looking to win. Like in any sport, an easy victory can be quite boring and quick. Your task is to give the Aggressor a challenge. Do not let your heart be an easy win. If you do, the Aggressor will simply move on to the next person. When the Aggressor leaves you a voice mail to call them back, forget to call. When the Aggressor asks you out for a date, once in a while tell them that you are too busy. Be moody, selfish, and difficult from time to time. Now, don’t be completely mean – remember, you must give kindness and affection to The Aggressor as much as you take it away. This will drive The Aggressor insane, and cause him or her to lose focus of the game. In no time, you’ll be holding the trophy.

Perhaps your love interest is not The Aggressor. Perhaps he or she is reserved and shy. This personality type tends to be innocent, and maybe lacking in solid relationship experience. You job, then, is to initiate The Quiet One into the realm of relationships and dating. Give The Quiet One something to get excited about. Shower The Quiet One with frivolous gifts and attention. Approach The Quiet One with zest, energy, and an ultra-positive attitude about life. Essentially, bring The Quiet One out of his or her shell, making them feel comfortable with you. In return, The Quiet One will become almost dependant on you for fun, activity, and love.

There are a myriad of personality types you will find out in the world. Another is The Snob. This person needs an average Joe or Jane to bring them down to earth. They won’t want to stoop to the level of giving you a second look – but be persistent. The Snob’s affection is earned. The more affection you give, the more flattered The Snob will become. This is because The Snob, by trait, likes to be given things. Instead of spoiling the Snob with things he or she already has, provide something unique. Cook The Snob romantic dinners at home, and skip the fancy restaurants. Pick the female Snob wildflowers instead of buying traditional roses. The Snob can then brag to other Snobs that he or she has someone “different” than everyone else. And as you know, Snobs always like to have what everyone else doesn’t.

There is also The Soap Opera Star. If you have the saintly qualities needed to love The Soap Opera Star, more power to you. This person eats, sleeps, and breathes drama. Take the normal ups and downs in life, and multiply them by 1000. Such is the life of The Soap Opera Star. The Soap Opera Star misplaces his golf club, and everything that happens from that point on in the day is absolutely ruined. Don’t be surprised if The Soap Opera Star takes his or her troubles out on you. If you desire to love this gem, patience, understanding (even if you must pretend) and the ability to console are qualities you have to put forth. The Soap Opera Star will end up completely in love with you. If you decide to leave The Soap Opera Star, he or she will stalk you.

Another popular personality is The Complainer. Everything annoys The Complainer. You can tell The Complainer that he or she looks nice today, and they will respond with a very serious, “Why do you have to lie to me? I gained 5 pounds in the last week, my pants look too short, and I’m having a bad hair day. I definitely know I can’t trust you to tell me the truth.” If you truly love The Complainer, you will never take their words to heart. You will also keep providing them with more topics to complain about, like a drug supply to an addict. Bring up topics that you know they love to moan about. They, in turn, will provide you with hours of one-on-one conversation. You’d better have a good ear to listen, and be able to support them in their outlandish claims. Don’t expect to do too much talking yourself. The Complainer will love you to death. Literally.

All in all, no matter what type of person you are trying to win over, you can do it with a little bit of common sense and consideration. Think your way through the situation. That’s all it takes. The power of love is in your hands.



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