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8 Things That Maketh Not The Lady

by: T. O' Donnell

1. Tattoos.

Tattoos used to be the colouring of soldiers, sailors, mafiosi and punk rockers. About ten years ago, they became fashionable. The lower-middle classes started taking them up. Unfortunately, unlike last years' shoes, tattoos can't be taken to the thrift shop and disposed of.

To a certain class of person, tattoos are 'cool'. To another, they are a graffito on the temple of the soul. They mark a woman definitively as lower class, alienated, depressed, and a bit daft. They're also a handy way to identify one absolutely to the authorities. Which shows how stupid some crooks are.

The same goes for piercings. My family are farmers. I associate nose rings with bulls, and piercings with cattle tags. They are a haven of dirt, infection, and their openings look unsightly.

With tattoos and piercings, before you've opened your mouth, you've already typed yourself to people you meet.

2. Highlights and streaks.

Are you blonde, or brunette? Make up your mind! These might have been novel ten years ago. Now they just look common. Not all gentlemen prefer blondes. A healthy head of untinted brunette or raven dark hair is a pleasant novelty these days.

It is true that blondes have more fun. I used to be one! Most people on the planet are dark. A non-blonde with blonde hair looks 'interesting'.

Now this fashion is done to death, however. If they're doing it in Romford, it's buried!

3. Big hoop earrings.

Unmistakably part of the wardrobe of the gypsy. Which is fine if you are one. Strangely popular. Perhaps they're to make the wearer's head look smaller. Add them to the features above, and an unattractive type emerges.

4. Binge drinking.

Binge drinking, squawking and falling over in the street is hilarious if you are the one doing it. If you are the spectator, it's less so.

5. Visible G-string.

This is erotic, no doubt about it. Unless you haven't the figure to pull it off. Likely to provoke a reaction of 'Mother of G*d!' when adorning the pasty, blemished buttocks of the 'full-figured' young lady. Bad diet, no exercise, five-pints-a-night, then 'peek-a-boo!'. Agggh!

I used to wonder why so many saucily-dressed young ladies walked the streets hatchet-faced. Now I now. Half are trying to ward off unwanted vulgar advances from men, the other half are annoyed they're not getting any!

There's nothing sexy about contrived, blatant eroticism. What's erotic is what seems to be an accident. 'A glimpse of stocking is something quite shocking' etc.

Likely to irritate female co-workers also. Assuming your company allows such clothing. It doesn't? I wonder why?

6. Swearing.

Your gentleman friends might find this amusing, to your face. What they think in private is another matter. Habitual swearing is another sign of a depressed, angry person. It's unattractive. The more you do it, the more it corrodes your subconscious.

7. Breast Augmentation.

Also known as a 'boob job'. These look fine, from a distance. Compared to a natural pair, they look odd. They are to real breasts what a transexual is to a 'red hot mama'; no competition. Up close, they're just not as good as the real thing. A perfectly functional piece of equipment has been turned into a cartoon joke, with possible long-term medical consequences.

Some men like small breasts. Beauty is a matter of proportion. Some women are neurotic about their appearance; nothing will please them.

A good example is ...

8. Disappearing Eyebrows.

They get plucked away to nothingness, then get drawn or tattooed back in. And this is better? One can end up looking freakish, even clown-like. Loss of hair suggests illness. Plucking out one's hair is often a sign of mental illness. Girls, desist! Don't try to gild the lily!

IMPORTANT NOTE: There are people who'll encourage you in the above. They'll say you look lovely. Misery loves company, and some people delight in the fall of others.

Be your own woman. Stand back from yourself, your life and your surroundings, and decide your own destiny.

About the author:
T. O' Donnell (http://www.tigertom.com) is an ecommerce consultant and curmudgeon living in London, UK. His latest project is an ebook on conservatories, available at T. O' Donnell freeware may be downloaded at

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10 Great Hair Care Tips
by: Darla Di Grandi-Aguilera

If you watch the tabloids, you know that even the stars have bad hair days. It just seems that when the professional stylists are out of the picture, it is inherently human to have a less than glamorous mane. But you can do your part to stay ahead of the battle by following these great tips for hair care.

1. Use a professional conditioner that is formulated for your specific hair type. While you can skimp a little on the shampoo, a good, professional conditioner is a must have. Look for products in salons that are customized for your hair type. For instance: If you have color or a perm, choose a conditioner that is for chemically processed hair. And stay away from those all-in-one shampoo and conditioner combos.

2. Choose a cut tailored to your face and body shape. The number one mistake that people make when choosing a new hairstyle is to pick a style based on popularity rather than how it will enhance their features. Always choose a new cut based on how it will enhance or detract from your facial features and build. If you have broad shoulders, choose a full-bodied cut over a close cropped head hugging doo.

3. Don�t forget your UV protectants. Just as your skin gets damaged by wind and sun, so does your hair. To combat this, look for finishing products such as mousses, gels and sprays that block UV rays.

4. Keep your appointments. Did you know that your hair will split faster than it will grow? You need to get a trim every 6 to 8 weeks, even if it�s just a micro trim. A good hairdresser makes them good because they know what to leave on the head, not take off.

5. Leave chemicals to the professionals. There is a reason why beauticians need to go to school to learn how to handle chemicals and hair processes. You can do irreparable damage with these products even if the package says that it�s way easy. And even if you don�t make your hair fall out, you could end up looking like a clown and paying a stylist big bucks to fix your mess. (Note: Most stylists charge double the rate for corrective color than they do for normal color processes)

6. Get color for interest and body. Every cut needs a little bit of color to make it truly breathtaking. No matter whether your taste is subtle or dramatic, you can add interest and volume to your tresses with a color process. Highlights, lowlights, all over color, gray coverage, you name it, it�s all good for your look.

7. Do weekly conditioning treatments. Even if your hair is extremely healthy, it is constantly on the attack from wind, sun, cold and heat. During the summer months, your hair is battered even more when it absorbs chlorine and other chemicals from your pool.

8. Get an ionic ceramic flat iron. Instead of frying your hair with a conventional metal plated flat iron. Straighten your tresses, add shine and infuse moisture with one of the a negative ionic flat irons. We personally use T3 irons for all our work.

9. Choose your styling products wisely. Avoid products that leave build-up on your hair. If you see white gunk, that means that your product is not water-soluble and may be coating your hair shaft. Build-up causes limpness, breakage and inability to curl not to mention the white flakes.

10. Did you know that if you use a towel after your shower to dry your hair you are causing split ends and adding static electricity to your hair. Don�t rub the towel back and forth over your hair, scrunch the towel around your hair like your would scrunch crackers in your soup.

While all of these tips won�t make you look like you�ve hired a personal hairdresser, they will help you look the very best that you can each and every day. When it comes to hair care, remember that you wear your hair everyday. Now isn�t it worth the time, effort and money that it takes to keep it looking spectacular?

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