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8 Things That Maketh Not The Lady
by: T. O' Donnell
1. Tattoos.

Tattoos used to be the colouring of soldiers, sailors, mafiosi and punk rockers. About ten years ago, they became fashionable. The lower-middle classes started taking them up. Unfortunately, unlike last years' shoes, tattoos can't be taken to the thrift shop and disposed of.

To a certain class of person, tattoos are 'cool'. To another, they are a graffito on the temple of the soul. They mark a woman definitively as lower class, alienated, depressed, and a bit daft. They're also a handy way to identify one absolutely to the authorities. Which shows how stupid some crooks are.

The same goes for piercings. My family are farmers. I associate nose rings with bulls, and piercings with cattle tags. They are a haven of dirt, infection, and their openings look unsightly.

With tattoos and piercings, before you've opened your mouth, you've already typed yourself to people you meet.

2. Highlights and streaks.

Are you blonde, or brunette? Make up your mind! These might have been novel ten years ago. Now they just look common. Not all gentlemen prefer blondes. A healthy head of untinted brunette or raven dark hair is a pleasant novelty these days.

It is true that blondes have more fun. I used to be one! Most people on the planet are dark. A non-blonde with blonde hair looks 'interesting'.

Now this fashion is done to death, however. If they're doing it in Romford, it's buried!

3. Big hoop earrings.

Unmistakably part of the wardrobe of the gypsy. Which is fine if you are one. Strangely popular. Perhaps they're to make the wearer's head look smaller. Add them to the features above, and an unattractive type emerges.

4. Binge drinking.

Binge drinking, squawking and falling over in the street is hilarious if you are the one doing it. If you are the spectator, it's less so.

5. Visible G-string.

This is erotic, no doubt about it. Unless you haven't the figure to pull it off. Likely to provoke a reaction of 'Mother of G*d!' when adorning the pasty, blemished buttocks of the 'full-figured' young lady. Bad diet, no exercise, five-pints-a-night, then 'peek-a-boo!'. Agggh!

I used to wonder why so many saucily-dressed young ladies walked the streets hatchet-faced. Now I now. Half are trying to ward off unwanted vulgar advances from men, the other half are annoyed they're not getting any!

There's nothing sexy about contrived, blatant eroticism. What's erotic is what seems to be an accident. 'A glimpse of stocking is something quite shocking' etc.

Likely to irritate female co-workers also. Assuming your company allows such clothing. It doesn't? I wonder why?

6. Swearing.

Your gentleman friends might find this amusing, to your face. What they think in private is another matter. Habitual swearing is another sign of a depressed, angry person. It's unattractive. The more you do it, the more it corrodes your subconscious.

7. Breast Augmentation.

Also known as a 'boob job'. These look fine, from a distance. Compared to a natural pair, they look odd. They are to real breasts what a transexual is to a 'red hot mama'; no competition. Up close, they're just not as good as the real thing. A perfectly functional piece of equipment has been turned into a cartoon joke, with possible long-term medical consequences.

Some men like small breasts. Beauty is a matter of proportion. Some women are neurotic about their appearance; nothing will please them.

A good example is ...

8. Disappearing Eyebrows.

They get plucked away to nothingness, then get drawn or tattooed back in. And this is better? One can end up looking freakish, even clown-like. Loss of hair suggests illness. Plucking out one's hair is often a sign of mental illness. Girls, desist! Don't try to gild the lily!

IMPORTANT NOTE: There are people who'll encourage you in the above. They'll say you look lovely. Misery loves company, and some people delight in the fall of others.

Be your own woman. Stand back from yourself, your life and your surroundings, and decide your own destiny.

About the author:
T. O' Donnell (http://www.tigertom.com) is an ecommerce consultant and curmudgeon living in London, UK. His latest project is an ebook on conservatories, available at http://www.ttconservatories.co.uk.T. O' Donnell freeware may be downloaded at http://www.ttfreeware.co.uk.


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 Get The Latest Scoop On What Fashions Are Out
 by: Bridget Allen

Just as fashion ebbs and flows, yesterday’s fashion ins are shut out in the cold! A true fashionista keeps careful track of what items have jumped to the out list. No one wants to be seen in a trend that expired yesterday, so if you are used to wearing trendy items, you may want to keep an eye out to see what’s out! The ever revolving door that is the fashion industry regularly makes and breaks fads in the blink of an eye. Look to your fashion magazines, cable channels that specialize in clothing and style, or great articles on the World Wide Web to determine when it is time to hang up your out clothing and accessories.

What’s out this season:

1.) Say good-bye to low cut pants today

The parents of the world let out a collective sigh when the ultra low cut pant waist line was declared dead. The days of a thong peeking out from the back of your trousers are a thing of the past, so pack away your crack-baring duds for their next time around! Today’s fashionable pants still feature a lower cut that seasons past—including the popular above-the-navel waistline of the 1950s—but are well above the modesty mark than in the recent past.

2.) Personalized Items are so old school, don’t ya know

Unless that “L” on your sweater stands for Laverne, put it away! The era of personalized items, from jewelry (remember the “Carrie” necklace?) to purses to clothing is in the past. Even though you searched an hour at your local bargain basement store to find that bag with your initial embroidered in leather, it’s time to say goodbye.

3.) Newsboy Hats Are Yesterday’s News

Extra, extra, read all about it: newsboy hats are out! Put down those papers, get off the corner, and ditch the hat! Even though cooler weather has arrived, find another way to keep your head warm than covering up in a newsboy hat. Consider donning a jaunty fedora cocked to one side—it’s the latest rage!

If you are concerned about items in your wardrobe or accessory closet becoming out of date, consider purchasing classic items. Look into wardrobe staples that are permanently found on the in list, so you will not have to juggle and reevaluate your closet. Furthermore, you may find a piece of clothing or accessory that you absolutely love has been retired to the out list. Instead of giving up a favorite, consider alternative ways to turn an out into an in!


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