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The Final Solution for Dating

by: Steve Sokolowski

I run a blog where I discuss the topic of the many games people play in the dating arena. I've posted hundreds of articles, many of which point out many of these troubles. Even if you haven't read the blog, you probably are aware of some of these schemes. While I wish it were easy to sum everything up into one neat, overlying problem, it's not that simple. Let me point out just a few of the issues.

For one, there's a definite lack of respect in dating nowadays. People don't even care about their partners enough to treat them as they deserve to be treated. Gossip, ridiculously high expectations, and rejections by ignorance are only some of the examples in this area. Grandparents are always carrying on about how today's generation has such a lack of respect. They talk about how, in their day, people cared about others and banded together through difficult problems. Why do they talk about these things? Because they're right! Through every activity in which I've been involved, I've encountered this problem. I'm tired of working for a hundred hours on a video project when the president of the organization receives but doesn't bother to even reply to your E-Mails asking him to review it. I'm sick of being ostracized from groups because I don't care to participate in their petty disagreements. And I'm exhausted after people expect me to work to death in volunteer organizations!

There are always exceptions to this rule, and I'm sure that there are many people who do have a great deal of respect for both their peers and their elders. Unfortunately, the majority, or at least the majority with the most influence, simply don't care.

Second, nobody is honest with themselves, let alone anyone else. Dating has turned into a torrent of backstabbing of which even Mark Burnett would be proud. Asking someone out is nearly impossible, because the gossip about it has already spread to a thousand people before you make the move. Then, when a rejection occurs (even if it's not rude), the rejector spreads rumors around to all his/her friends that cause them to completely ignore you, refusing to invite you to parties or even to initiate conversations with you. The biggest insult is that even if you asked point-blank, you'd still never get a truthful answer as to why such harm was directed towards you.

As if what occurs after a rejection isn't enough, people attempt to steal others' girl/boyfriends. One day, things are going well, and the next you find yourself wondering what happened to the relationship that was forming - that is, until you notice that person spending a lot of time with who you thought was your best friend. No explanation is offered, not even a "good-bye."

Third, people are not looking for someone who spends his or her time working to get ahead instead of getting flat-out drunk, who doesn't curse at or ignore his or her mate, and who actually makes time for whatever is occurring between them (whether it be a full-fledged relationship or just plain sex). They say they're looking for these things, but in reality, they're attracted to people with the attributes described above. "Confidence" is not the answer to the equation. Assuming they both possess the same level of "confidence," the above-described person would win every time over the "warm, caring, and intelligent" (wo)man that people claim is the ideal mate.

The list of problems goes on. You might be intrigued to hear that while the problems seem innumerable, I propose they can all be rectified with the simplest of solutions. There's no danger involved, nobody has to lead radical changes, and it doesn't involve an "impossible" fight against biology.

I simply propose for men to stop asking women out.

Not for the rest of your life, but for just a short time, say, a month. It's not impossible, and you won't have to do it as much after the month passes. While there are a few (rare) exceptions, the vast majority of women don't ask out men 50% of the time. Women do have the advantage in dating, and it's time to level the playing field. Sure, talk with women as friends, and if someone initiates a conversation with you, then definitely reciprocate. However, let the woman ask you out if she's interested, no matter how attractive she is to you.

Some women have never asked anyone out in their lives. It's no wonder why these women continually treat men like they're lower beings. If they had to put up with the rejections that most men do all the time, I guarantee that they would have more respect for men. Women would no longer put up with moving from guy to guy based on who was interested in her at the moment. And spreading gossip about potential romantic interests certainly isn't going to help one's prospects.

People need to realize that humans, for all their ancestry, are not monkeys or horses or rabbits. They're humans, who can think and act for themselves.

Men have so much more capacity in the dating arena than constantly looking for sex at all costs, if they would only exercise it. It's time to stop being prisoners to so-called "biology." Women have the same urges men do, and they should do half the work, not 10% or 20%.

There are a lot of "seduction communities" on the Internet that teach men how to "seduce" women. I don't know of any similar organization that teaches women how to impress men with the same fervor.

There's my proposal. I don't think it's hard to implement. Imagine if all the men even at one corporation or university decided to ban together. Laziness won't be a problem, becausenobody even has to do anything. It's time to change our distorted culture. All I'm suggesting is to promote equality. Is that such a bad thing?

About the author:

Steve Sokolowski is the editor of "Games are for Children" (http://www.shoemakervillage.org/games), a dating blog that implores people to rise above the pettiness present in today's dating world. He can be reached at awteen@shoemakervillage.org.

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Dating Advice: Love Shouldn't Hurt
by: Terry Hernon MacDonald

"Because when pain has been intertwined with love and closeness, it's very difficult to believe that love and closeness can be experienced without pain." -Gloria Steinem, "Revolution from Within."

If you tend to attract men who disappoint you (by cheating on you, not showing up when they say they will, or just refusing to get off the couch), you may be confusing love with pain.

So many of us have been brought up to believe that pain is normal, even expected, in a love relationship. Without it, the relationship seems flat, boring. We crave drama. (Why is it that so many women have great sex after a fight with a significant other?)

A happy, loving relationship eludes us because we don't recognize it when we see it, or because we simply believe it's not possible (News Flash: According to a recent Today Show, all men lie. All of them! I wasn't aware that men have a monopoly on lying or other bad behavior. I know some women who are breathtaking liars. Don't you?).

According to the media, men are incapable of remembering birthdays, being monogamous, getting through a weekend unless they're transfixed before a marathon of football games. Women internalize these messages: That's the way men are. That's the way life is. Get over it.

And while the media is happy to sell us the myth of the unattainable happy relationship, some of us have come to believe in it because of our own experiences.

Some of us:

(a) Had parents who treated each other indifferently, (b) had parents who outright hated each other, (c) had fathers who ignored us as children, (d) had a parent who suffered from alcoholism, (e) had mothers who would rather have been doing something else, or (f) had a parent who suffered from a mental illness.

And so, we learned to associate love with pain. It's all we knew.

Others among us grew up in perfectly happy homes with parents who loved each other and delighted in us, but we still managed to:

(a) Internalize negative messages we heard from our friends' parents who were unhappily married, or

(b) Internalize negative messages we saw elsewhere (I know a woman who, during her impressionable teenage years, babysat for a couple who gave each other the silent treatment and expected her to relay messages. She also babysat for another family, where the father once came home early and started reading a porn magazine!).

As a result of this programming, we set low bars for the behavior we'll accept from boyfriends or husbands. Hey, it's better than being alone, right?

Wrong.

If you're putting up with substandard behavior from men, make decision to stop. Refuse to date anybody until you attract a man who makes your happiness a priority. Trust me; such a man will come into your life and stay there.

Treat him as you have come to expect him to treat you, which means with affection, respect, and consideration. Does this sound boring to you? If it does, please examine your feelings about relationships and see if they haven't determined the kind of men you attract.

You see, once you stop dating men who disappoint you but excite you, you can make room for a guy who loves you the way you deserve to be loved--and who excites you. Love and excitement are important, but if they're accompanied by pain, something's wrong. You'll never be truly happy with a guy who lets you down.

Ask yourself, "Where did I ever get the idea that love has to hurt?"

Give yourself time to come up with the answers. Take stock of whether your relationship is worth saving. If you speak up, will it make a difference? If not, are you willing to make room for a man who will love you and make you laugh instead of cry for a change?